Is the #INFJ door slam a real thing or a hyped-up rumor? Find out! #MBTI #Personality #typology

What is the INFJ “Door Slam”? The Rumors and the Truth

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If you’re an INFJ and you’ve been part of the personality community for long, you’ve probably heard of the infamous INFJ “door slam”. According to popular belief, “Door slamming” occurs when an INFJ cuts someone completely out of their life without warning. They “purge” the person from their existence and avoid them at all costs. According to some writers, the INFJ does this with more frequency and severity than other types. I’ve seen self-professed INFJs brag about door-slamming, question if they’re an INFJ if they don’t door slam, or simply begin door slamming after they read about it in an article somewhere.

My opinion on the INFJ door slam will likely be unpopular to some. In my time as an MBTI® practitioner, I haven’t seen this practice be any more specific to INFJs than breathing air or hating the sound of people chewing. I myself am an INFJ and have only “door-slammed” someone once. In that situation, the individual was literally stalking me and was psychologically unwell. I don’t even know if you’d call that “door slamming” as much as avoiding.

Disclaimer: “Door-slamming” can be a good or bad thing. In some cases, it is similar to ghosting, which can be very hurtful. In other cases, it’s a form of self-protection when someone is abusive, hurtful, or perpetually dishonest. This article isn’t meant to place judgment on people who door-slam, it’s merely my opinion (along with data I’ve collected) on whether or not this is truly an INFJ thing.

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What is the INFJ “Door Slam”? The Rumors and the Truth

“Door Slamming” Doesn’t Appear to be Specific to INFJs

I surveyed over 20,000 individuals on my email list and asked them if they “door-slammed” and, if so, what it meant to them.  Turns out INFJs are no more likely to door-slam than ENTJs or ISFPs. INTPs actually ranked as the type most likely to door-slam, but even that was by a very small margin.

Here are quotes about door-slamming from some of the people I surveyed:

“I don’t really get the whole “door slamming” thing. If someone is toxic or abusive, then sure.  I might avoid them. But if it’s a friend or a partner then I’ll give plenty of warnings first. I’m not just going to suddenly disappear.”
– Eric, an INFJ

“I have “door slammed” once or twice. I only do it in emotionally abusive situations, though, when my well-being is on the line.”
– Gloria, an INFP

“I don’t know if you’d call it door-slamming, but I’ve “ghosted” before. It’s not something I’m proud of, but sometimes I just can’t handle the emotional demands that someone puts on me. I have social anxiety and I think that’s a part of it.”
– Trevor, an INTP

“I will withdraw and detach if things aren’t going well, but I almost never cut people off completely. That seems rude and childish in most cases, and is reserved for people who absolutely refuse to respect my boundaries.”
– @MsWired, INFJ Twitter User

“I try to (door slam), I really do, but I can’t. I see door slamming as just being up to a certain point fed up with someone’s behavior and essentially cutting them off completely without them even knowing you did so.”
– Denzel Mensah, ENFJ Life coach

“I do, often enough to where I wonder how much is too much. Usually, it’s when I’ve consistently put in effort to the relationship that’s been unreciprocated. Ironically, the only person who has ever taken a step to make amends is my INFJ best friend.”
– Monique, an ENTP

“I door slam in cases of betrayal or dishonesty. Also if someone tries to limit my activities and thoughts to their own standards.”
– @Kyasaaat, ENTJ

“I’ll door slam on occasion, but only if someone is making me feel unsafe or especially uncomfortable. I had an old boyfriend who seemed to stalk me at and just gave me the creeps. I changed my number and avoided him as much as possible. I think that’s self-protection more than “door-slamming” though.”
– Angelina, an ISFJ

“Door-slamming is efficient sometimes. If I don’t like someone or they’re selfish or dishonest then I don’t want to waste my time. Some people deserve it, and maybe if it happens enough they’ll realize they need to change the way they’re behaving. I don’t think I intentionally door slam. I’m just busy and if somebody’s going to act foolishly I may not waste my time trying to explain why they’re wasting my time with their needless drama.”
– Merlin, an ESTP

No Official MBTI® Literature Mentions the Door Slam

If you ask about the INFJ door slam at an MBTI® certification course, the teacher is likely going to laugh and shake their head (as mine did when it was brought up). If you sort through the pages of the MBTI® Manual there will be no mention of door-slamming. In fact, if anything, most books will say that INFJs have a hard time letting go of negative relationships and it can take them a long time to put an end to them.

Does this mean INFJs don’t door slam? No. Some do, and some have good reasons to do it. But nothing in the data shows that they do this with more frequency or intensity than other types.

But You’re Invalidating My Experience!

As I’ve said before, I’m not saying that INFJs never door slam – I’m only saying that it is not an exclusively INFJ habit. Many people I’ve spoken with have very good reasons for shutting people out of their lives. Some people shut people out for bad reasons (they don’t want to be accountable for a mistake they’ve made, or they’re just too anxious to be direct about their feelings).

How DO INFJs Deal with Negative People?

Negativity, conflict, and frequent criticism can create a lot of stress for INFJs. These personality types find themselves feeling anxious, hurt, or even physically sick in conflict-ridden environments. They tend to take on the perspectives of the people around them, imagining where they’re coming from and seeing many different sides to a situation. Because of this, it can be difficult for them to tune into their own feelings about what’s happening around them. They may get caught up in trying to please people or diffuse conflict and, in the process, lose sight of what they need. INFJs also tend to absorb the moods and emotions of people around them, which means that negative or angry people can be exhausting for them to be around. This doesn’t mean that INFJs will drop their friends at the first sign of negativity. In fact, INFJs tend to enjoy counseling and listening to people who need advice. However, if people are directing that negativity outward in combative, hurtful ways, INFJs have a low tolerance for this.

In friendships, INFJs tend to have a small circle of deep, long-standing relationships. They are fiercely protective of their loved ones and can have a hard time letting a relationship go because of how much they value loyalty. They are unlikely to cut someone out of their lives unless that person has repeatedly offended them or has betrayed their values in some way. That said, there are both mature and immature INFJs. Some may be loyal and compassionate friends, while others may be manipulative and self-serving.

Here are some of the ways that INFJs deal with negative people:

  • If a person is consistently negative or draining, INFJs may space out interactions so that they don’t get too overwhelmed.
  • They may tactfully address their concerns with the friend directly.
  • They may seek relationship or friendship advice from a therapist or friend
  • They may take some time away from the individual to sort out how they feel.
  • They may door-slam if they feel that they won’t be listened to or their boundaries won’t be respected.
  • They may write an email or letter to the negative person so that they can speak their mind without getting flustered by the other person’s feelings or arguments.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you agree or disagree with this article? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments! You can also explore more about the INFJ personality type in my eBook, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic.

INFJ Understanding the Mystic

 

Here Are Some Other Articles You Might Like:

5 Things That Every Stressed-Out INFJ Needs to Hear

10 Signs of an Unhealthy INFJ

24 Revealing Quotes About the INFJ Personality Type

Is the #INFJ door slam a real thing or just a rumor? Find out the truth! #MBTI #Personality

Is the #INFJ door slam a real thing or a hyped-up rumor? Find out! #MBTI #Personality #typology

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34 Comments

  1. I’ve never seen the point in trying to stay friendly with someone after “breaking up” either as friends or significant others. Many of my friends stay in touch and try to include people in their lives even after realizing that those people are toxic for them or not actually interested in being friends, and it always confuses me.

    For me, the “door slam” is just refusing to waste any more of my time or attention on someone who has proven that they’re not worth it. I don’t “avoid them at all costs” because they’re not worth that effort, but I’ll block their number if they get obnoxious about not taking “not interested” for an answer. If I see them in passing, they get the same acknowledgement as any stranger, and nothing more.

  2. I am an INFJ and i can say that i DO NOT do that usually. I even had wondered before seeing this article what’s this urban legend about INFJ, or maybe that i am atypical (and isnt the only thing associated with INFJ by the urban legends and that i cant resonate with).
    I am actually currently experiencing being door-slammed myself by an ENFP – as surprising as it may sound. And not only that i held him a sermon about how childish this behavior is, even sorta hysterical somehow (i really think was a very damaged ENFP), but i was also reflecting myself about what i have done with people so far. And i even told him i actually dont really close the doors behind (as he does), usually, even though for me our affair is over. I am so much into people that i am keen to know what the person has to tell me tomorrow, or after one year or after ten years and door-slamming comes like cutting them this oportunity. Why? I have been having the same phone number for around 17 years now, at the beginning of the highschool. Never blocked anyone, i want to grant people the possibility to reach me if they have something to tell me and since i am in a permanent pursuit to finding out how people that i know truly are, i am happy when they come back in my life with new stuff so that i ca add them to their bio created in my mind.
    So no, i dont do that but i have been door-slammed by ENFP (yesterday) and few years ago by an INFP – but she recently has come back into my life, as her personal choice, and i feel so happy for this. And there was also an intention of INTP to do me this – but he eventually didnt and we are talking regularly. And around 7-8 years ago i think and INTJ did that – because he was frustrated that i didnt want into a more deeper thing with him.
    But what i have noticed is that all those people who door-slammed me, didnt do that because of my abusive behavior or insistence (but who knows how did they perceive me?i was not aware at least), so inot in order to protect themselve from me, but rather because they were frustrated/i frustrated them in a way or another (rather through a refusal) – according to my understanding. Which is pretty much strange for Ps. I expect them to be more accepting, i rather would associate Js with this kind of behavior as a mechanism to put things in order around them and in their life.

  3. This is the absolute truth for me. I am an INFJ and I will “door slam” a person that make me feel threatened or betrayed after I have expressed my emotions, visions, poured my heart out to–etc.,
    At times I don’t like this part of who I am, but it’s something that is extremely necessary for me to function.

  4. I agree with this observation. It is very difficult for me to express my thoughts to someone who thinks more quickly than me. Writing, texting, or sending an email helps me stay on point while protecting myself from being overwhelmed by the other person’s words. I get lost in their emotions.
    I will always try everything to hang on to a relationship before calling it quits. After all, I have invested an incredible amount of energy in understanding the person involved. Door slamming would be the absolute last defensive act against a toxic or abusive person. Always thought door slamming was incongruent with the INFJ’s tendency to identify with another person’s emotions and our need to help them resolve their issues…

  5. I cut people out of my life for repeatedly negative or critical or even emotionally abusive or takes advantage of me. And sometimes I have given them fair warning that certain behaviors are going to be a problem if they continue. But there are some people who are so negative that I don’t feel that it’s safe to even say to them that certain behaviors have to change.there have also been some people whose behaviors were so negative that they didn’t deserve fair warning. I had a friend for 36 years that gradually became more and more negative and out of loyalty I continue to try to work it out with her for a very long time.but there was a few closely spaced very negative events that booked the final nails in the coffin and when I ended contact with her all I said was that I needed time away by myself. I felt that if I directly said to her that I was cutting her out of my life that she might retaliate given how negative her behavior had been. But I was also so deeply hurt that I didn’t want any more conflict. I am an infj. I don’t believe that I have ever door slam to somebody that had not behaved very badly. and I think that is healthy and good behavior and I encourage other people to have strong boundaries in which people are not allowed to mistreat them regardless of how long they’ve been friends or even if their family or married to them.

  6. I’ve recently discovered that i’m INFJ, and reading the numerous pop up articles in my news feeds and emails largely confirms this, a lot of the info resonates with me and my experiences.
    Having never heard of this ‘door-slamming’ before today, I read it with interest. I can see how I have engaged in this behaviour many times throughout my life, in lots of different situations. In some cases I have door slammed an entire group of people, for example people I spent 3-4yrs getting to know through university life. I can see my own immaturity and great difficulty owning and acknowledging my own feelings, flaws, sense of inadequacy when comparing myself to my former friends, as key reasons now in hindsight. With other friends through my life journey, I have felt a switch being turned off after something in their actions which I cannot connect with (or perhaps mis judge) and that may become the reason I freeze them out, suddenly or gradually. I’m better at trying to work through things or even trying to reconnect with people who have been important to me previously, and who I may have door slammed to some degree – but it’s taken til i’ve reached my 40s to understand this aspect of myself. I still have so much to learn about myself and others, and much to reconcile myself with. I guess we’re all works in progress, and i’m investing in learning more, acting better, rectifying things where I feel I can, and sharing what I learn.

  7. I don’t quite get the concept door slam .that implies a door can be opened again. I just drop people from my universe and they cease to exist in it. there is no door to open again . Karen

  8. In my opinion it’s less of a door slam but a silent, gradual French exit out of someone’s life, due to an imperfect relationship. If I make a mistake (forget to call etc) I can never forgive myself and I will always be reminded of the shame and guilt, whenever I see them. So I don’t want to see them anymore. Not that it makes anything better.
    Anyway, this article really didn’t go in depth. Of course everyone cuts toxic people out. I don’t think this is what the “door slam” is about.

  9. INTP here. I cut people out that have shown they are not committed to being in an honest and logical relationship. Sometimes this is direct; other times it is through a door slam (I say nothing and completely rip them from my life). Very rarely will anyone ever regain trust in my eyes, but so very rarely do people change, so I suppose that is natural.

  10. INFJ, I’ve “door-slammed” multiple times, but for good reasons. It all depends on how much I can understand. If I can’t understand them, I keep trying until I do, hence why I stay in some negative pairing. And if I finally understand that that person is just toxic and selfish, then I cut the cord, or, let them know as sharp as a knife to allow them to absorb that in.

    Of course other things factor in, but that is as basic as I can go.

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