Why INFPs and INFJs Are Drawn to Sad Things
“What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music.”
– Soren Kierkeegard, an INFJ
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
– Edgar Allan Poe, an INFP
A broken shack in the middle of misty field. A lonely dying tree in a barren landscape. Tears. What draws INFPs and INFJs to these things? What makes darkness or despair beautiful to us? In the many years I’ve studied type I’ve come across hundreds of INFs who are inexplicably drawn to sad, desolate symbols and expressions. In fact, recently I’ve gotten a lot of questions from INFs who are puzzled by their own connection to the melancholy world. So I thought I would write about it here as a reference for anyone trying to understand.
I’ve always been intrigued by the question, “Are you attracted to sad things?” I’ve rarely asked anyone this question without getting a quizzical look in response.
“Attracted to sad things? What does that even mean?”
Yet if I ask an INF type this question, the majority will instantly say yes, as I did many years ago. They know right away that something about sadness is beautiful.
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But what makes sadness beautiful to INF types?
1 – Many INFs Relate to Sadness and Isolation
INFJs and INFPs make up a mere 3% of the U.S. population combined. It is rare that these two types find kindred spirits to understand them. Through the years I’ve spent talking to people from all types, it seems that a majority of INFs have spent their lives feeling alone, misunderstood, or forced into a mold that wasn’t true to their nature.
Many INFs see isolation, loneliness, and heartbreak and identify with it. They connect with that pain and find a cathartic relief in empathizing with it. In an expression of sadness and loneliness, the INF finds a true friend. For INFs who have felt alone and cut off from the world through much of life, a picture of a lonely, isolated shack can be a symbol of their longing and loneliness.
For INFs who have found companionship and connection in life, they are still drawn to the honesty and reality of sadness. They may feel inexplicably compelled to understand it, to empathize and to comfort.
Related: How You Process Emotions – Based on Your Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
2 – INFs Find Sadness Compelling
INFs are deeply concerned with those who are hurting. Both INFPs & INFJs show strong tendencies towards careers in psychology and counseling (per the MBTI® Manual, Third Edition). They are both highly empathetic types, and while they may experience emotions in different ways, they both desire to “walk in another person’s shoes” and feel their pains and struggles as their own. They have no interest in a sugarcoated life or what’s on the surface, both seek to gain a deeper more intimate understanding of the deeper longings and struggles of humanity.
“Most people try to hide their sad stories. But I want to hear, I want to know. There’s an element of truth that can only be found in a story that is full of heartbreak. I want to know about the struggles my parents have faced, my friends have faced. There’s a beauty embedded in those stories; a raw, humble, broken humanity in it. When we shed all our pretention and our egos and reveal our brokenness, that’s something I think is beautiful.”
– Melissa, an INFP
Related: Understanding INFP Feeling
Related: Understanding INFJ Intuition
3 – Sadness Connects Us All
INFJs and INFPs are true introverts, yet as feeling types they long to have meaningful connections with other people. However, the depth they crave in relationships is often hard to find. In sadness they see a unifying vulnerability that they can relate to and grasp. They feel that being with others in their grief and struggles brings them closer and forms a deeper bond.
“I am attracted to sadness. I want to listen to people who are sad, and I want to feel it myself. I have had a difficult life and I’ve been through a lot of pain, and I want to understand what other people suffer. I see beauty and strength in sadness and survival, and I want to help people through it. I want them to know they’re not alone.”
– Cassandra, an INFJ
Related: 4 Reasons Why INFJs Struggle with Loneliness
4 – INFs Like to “Feel”
INFs like to empathize. They like to immerse themselves in emotions. Just as the SP feels good when they take an exciting new risk, or the SJ feels good when they put things in order, the NF enjoys feeling, empathizing, and understanding. Does this mean they constantly want to be inundated with negative emotions? No. While they are typically good listeners who enjoy being there for people, they also can become emotionally overwhelmed if they are constantly taking on other people’s emotions. They feel fulfilled when they can listen and connect with struggling people, but they have to do it in moderation. Sometimes they enjoy simply connecting with melancholy art forms or an idea that evokes strong emotions. They like to escape into a sad song or movie, a sad book or painting. Being able to privately feel and connect with the emotions in a story or piece of art simply “feels good” to a lot of them.
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFPs
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFJs
“But I don’t like sad things and I’m an INF”
There are certain generalities about personality types that don’t apply to everyone. For every 8 INFs who are drawn to sad things, there will be 2 who prefer the cheerful parts of life and find sadness overwhelming. I’ve also spoken with ENFPs, ISFPs, and ENFJs who are drawn to sadness, although not as frequently as INF types. It’s okay if you don’t feel a connection to this article; it doesn’t mean you’re mistyped.
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What Do You Think?
Are you drawn to sadness or do you find it unsettling? Let me know in the comments!
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INFP here (I think). I similarly googled “finding sad things beautiful” and this came up. I’ve always been drawn to melancholy music and stories. This helps explain why and to realize there are others out there!
On a side note, I’m curious if anyone else feels offended by “cheap” sad things (i.e. the “Christmas Shoes” song or “Marley and Me”?). These just seem contrived for the sole purpose of making someone cry, which feels just as false as the other extreme (a Hallmark movie.) No offense, Hallmark fans! 🙂
Glad you found my page! I’m an INFJ, and I also get annoyed by “cheap” sad things. I feel like I’m being manipulated, and I don’t like that!
INFP here. Poetry is my main mode of transportation when I’m driving on misery highway.
I’ll spend hours brooding and connecting words to create tragic stories. There are few things that satisfy me like diving into and exploring sadness.
Thanks for writing this up! Helps me understand something society deems taboo about myself.
Remember, folks, google is a brand name, not a verb. Our poor school kids are growing up without knowing about the variety of search engines available, and the biases various multinationals might have…we can help by using “search for” rather than “google.” Just a gentle suggestion to help the non-powerful and correct injustice, which is right up our alley.
Thanks to the author for the last paragraph. Even the idea of seeking out and enjoying “sad things” is horrifying to this INFJ.
I find the absolute beauty in sadness. I get to consumed by it. Every Christmas season I watch all the Hallmark movies realizing it is just fantasy. I find releif & positive energy from them. Ive seen so many aweful things of this world; War, Death, Murderers, Rapists & Starvation first hand. I sometimes just have to block it al out to regain my enery through the winter. In the pring I live for hiking & kayaking in the forest & rivers of Florida.
I am one of the two out of the eight who finds sad things overwhelming. I have female friends and relatives who love watching sad movies and try to drag me along. They all say how cathartic the experience is for them and how it will be good for me. The reality for me is if the main focus of the movie is sadness I am left feeling shattered and haunted. It can take me days to get my equilibrium back. I avoid sad movies unless I believe they contain some important life lesson that is worth the agony of watching it. In which case I try to watch it alone and definitely not in a movie theatre. I find it difficult to explain to others how extreme this agony is and generally end up offending them because I won’t work in with their plans.
So, It’s normal that Leonard Cohen is my favorite artist? And that Never Let Me Go is a movie I haven’t been able to get out of my head for years? Good to know. (INFP)
I crave sadness. its therapeutic to be surrounded by it because it won’t give false happiness where you believed a deeper connection than was actually there with other people content to exist on a shallow emotional level. I’ve been nicknamed “Tink,” short for Tinkerbell, which I think is very appropriate because I love lost things and people. Found/vintage/antique objects have an unspoken story and history they’ve witnessed and I always see a new use for them. My favorite people tend to feel just as lost in society. I love how you pointed out that INFjs want to immediately hear someone’s sad/painful story. I crave people who reciprocate my openness and vulnerability in their own lives. I’ve been fortunate to be able to use this part of myself into being a good listener to my students.
I’m a 50 year old man and I’ve always been drawn to melancholy. I’ve always been kind and thoughtful but always alone. I am an infj type btw.
Thank you for your articles, I very much enjoy reading them.
Best regards, Dave.
I disagree. I’m mostly INFJ with some INFP, and I wouldn’t use the words “beautiful” or “attractive” to describe why I’m drawn to those who are suffering or depictions of lonely landscapes. I am drawn to those things because I identify with them an am always looking for a way to connect with others. I’ve always been a loner with just a few good friends, but since i became disabled in 2013, I’ve been almost totally isolated because I can’t go outside of my home anymore to seek that connection. My best friend died in 2014, one moved to another country, so that leaves my friend in another state and social media. But I’ve become so sad that I hardly ever communicate except via social media. Well, there’s another reason ( other than INFJ/P reasons), too, that I prefer writing to speaking – I was tested at place that does extensive ADHD testing, and they found that I don’t process auditory information the way other people do. I hear the sounds, but it takes my brain a bit longer to organize them into coherent info. That explains how I can read & write other languages, but have trouble conversing in them. INFJ’s hate talking on the phone, etc. Can you imagine what it’s like for an INFJ/P who has trouble processing language/sounds to begin? My friends and family don’t understand and take it personally? They refuse to message and text, so I’ve lost touch with everyone, especially my mom. Social media is all I have left. So, now I have no one. So, now I have no one, and because of what I’ve been through in life (rape, torture, sexual assault, betrayal by authority figures, physical & emotional abuse, etc.), I wish sometimes that I would just die so the suffering would be over. I won’t kill myself because it doesn’t solve anything and it would mess-up my son even more than I have since I became disabled & unable to be the mother I always was before my accident. Now, he’s leaving in August, and because of Covid, I will never be ready to move out in time – i have to move out when he does. I have no idea how I’m going to get healthy enough in time to get everything done by then. So, if anyone has any ideas, knows of any resources, and can even just send positive vibes my way, I’d really appreciate it. But I’m not attracted to sad stuff, nor do I find it beautiful – if I could end all of the suffering in the world right now, I’d do it. However, I can relate to sadness, so when I see it, I want to do what I can to alleviate it. I will admit, though, that watching or reading fictional sadness is cathartic for me. – I don’t usually cry for myself, (I’m more apt to scream…lol) , so at least I get some release that way….but not nearly enough. If I had ever had a good self-esteem, I probably would have gone into acting, or singing, or at least have done something with them, but between the two of them, my parents had totally destroyed me before I even started kindergarten. Now, here I am at 54, still struggling with self-love, and totally isolated for the past several years. And I know I have to do something to change my situation, and fast, but I have no idea what, or even where to start.
Hi Tami, I just wanted to write to you to let you know you aren’t alone. Your comment resonated with me and I don’t really know what to say except that I’m really proud of you and you’re doing a great job. I wish I knew you in real life because I’d be your friend and listen and support you. There are more people out there who would too and I’m sorry that you can’t get out of your house but I know that your son loves you so much and so do I even though I’m just a stranger. I really care about your wellbeing and I want you to feel good!
AHHH damn it! I wrote a whole paragraph and the page reloaded and deleted it. Grrr! To summarize what I said, I was talking about how the point of life is to experience the smallest things in life such as a small breeze, your cells splitting, your fingers touching the trillions of molecules that make up your phone, to the biggest events, such as events in space and the sun glowing. Every day is a new experience, time is always moving and everything happens unexpectedly. You never know what’s going to happen next and that is such an interesting thing. Life is so short, and I was stuck in a sort of rut kind of like you for a long time, contemplating life and death and thinking about the meaning of things. I came to a conclusion that I’ve lived my whole life, and I’m here at this moment in time. Why should I not continue to go on? I did it before! And I realized something- life is so short! People live up to 80,90,100. People with disabilities live that long. People who have mental illness live that long. I can do just the same, even though sometimes it’s REALLY HARD. But it’s ok because it ALWAYS and I mean always. Gets better. After a low in life there is always another high! Now I’m NOT saying you are doing something wrong, at all. You aren’t. Your feelings and emotions are 100% valid and NORMAL. You are normal. And there are so many other people out there who feel the same exact way as you, unfortunately or fortunately, whatever the case, it’s easy to get into that mindset or emotion or feeling that you are alone, or you feel stuck with your thoughts. Everyone does that, it’s a human thing. It’s very annoying but we’re all together on that one. I just want to tell you that I am very proud of you. I don’t know you, I am a stranger, but I just can tell that you are a very trustworthy and caring person. I just know that and that Id gladly be your friend if I knew you personally. I’d support you and listen and talk to you, and there are more people out there that would! It’s hard to realize sometimes but it’s definitely true.
Also, you’re incredibly strong, and I’m envious of that. You remind me of my mother, she is very caring, and has gone through a lot of extremely emotionally and physically tolling stuff. But right now, in this moment in time, she’s upstairs and she’s doing some work and she is safe and she’s happy. You are safe too in this moment in time, and you’re stationary or doing whatever you’re doing and you’re OK! I’m so proud of you. You are doing. FREAKING. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re incredibly strong and your mind is able and remember it is controlled by YOU and you only! You can do it! You probably already have been, but you should talk or text with your son! I know he loves you dearly and if you haven’t been texting him I know that he would be excited to get a notification from you right now. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet and not a friend in person but I can be a friend online and support you here. I know there are also support groups online (with covid) that help people support each other who were victims of rape or just simply to be able to talk to others and relate to them. You could definitely go online right now if you wish and just look one up and there will be caring people who will support and listen to you that would probably be more helpful than my comment. I’m not saying you need to but you should just because you can and it probably would be really nice to see other people’s faces during this quarantine time. You would also most definitely meet people who you could make friends with. I wish you the BEST and I’ve said this so much but I have to say it again because I mean it. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!! I wish my other paragraph didn’t get deleted ughh! But that’s just a problem I had with the webpage. Grr, anyways seriously proud of you and I love you and you’re doing such a good job. LOVE, -Lila
Sending positive vibes Tami xxxooo
INFP here. I’ve always been drawn to melancholy music and the sad stories of others. In fact, it’s exactly because an online friend of mine had a bad backstory that I trusted her! Before now, I always thought that I was drawn to these things because I liked how sad it made me feel afterwards(which sounds so damn emo). Now, I think I have a better understanding of how it works.
I also feel the same! You aren’t alone girl! We all as humans are different and we like different things, but that does NOT make us weird or abnormal! Hope you’re having a good day! -Lila