Why INFPs and INFJs Are Drawn to Sad Things
“What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music.”
– Soren Kierkeegard, an INFJ
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
– Edgar Allan Poe, an INFP
A broken shack in the middle of misty field. A lonely dying tree in a barren landscape. Tears. What draws INFPs and INFJs to these things? What makes darkness or despair beautiful to us? In the many years I’ve studied type I’ve come across hundreds of INFs who are inexplicably drawn to sad, desolate symbols and expressions. In fact, recently I’ve gotten a lot of questions from INFs who are puzzled by their own connection to the melancholy world. So I thought I would write about it here as a reference for anyone trying to understand.
I’ve always been intrigued by the question, “Are you attracted to sad things?” I’ve rarely asked anyone this question without getting a quizzical look in response.
“Attracted to sad things? What does that even mean?”
Yet if I ask an INF type this question, the majority will instantly say yes, as I did many years ago. They know right away that something about sadness is beautiful.
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But what makes sadness beautiful to INF types?
1 – Many INFs Relate to Sadness and Isolation
INFJs and INFPs make up a mere 3% of the U.S. population combined. It is rare that these two types find kindred spirits to understand them. Through the years I’ve spent talking to people from all types, it seems that a majority of INFs have spent their lives feeling alone, misunderstood, or forced into a mold that wasn’t true to their nature.
Many INFs see isolation, loneliness, and heartbreak and identify with it. They connect with that pain and find a cathartic relief in empathizing with it. In an expression of sadness and loneliness, the INF finds a true friend. For INFs who have felt alone and cut off from the world through much of life, a picture of a lonely, isolated shack can be a symbol of their longing and loneliness.
For INFs who have found companionship and connection in life, they are still drawn to the honesty and reality of sadness. They may feel inexplicably compelled to understand it, to empathize and to comfort.
Related: How You Process Emotions – Based on Your Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
2 – INFs Find Sadness Compelling
INFs are deeply concerned with those who are hurting. Both INFPs & INFJs show strong tendencies towards careers in psychology and counseling (per the MBTI® Manual, Third Edition). They are both highly empathetic types, and while they may experience emotions in different ways, they both desire to “walk in another person’s shoes” and feel their pains and struggles as their own. They have no interest in a sugarcoated life or what’s on the surface, both seek to gain a deeper more intimate understanding of the deeper longings and struggles of humanity.
“Most people try to hide their sad stories. But I want to hear, I want to know. There’s an element of truth that can only be found in a story that is full of heartbreak. I want to know about the struggles my parents have faced, my friends have faced. There’s a beauty embedded in those stories; a raw, humble, broken humanity in it. When we shed all our pretention and our egos and reveal our brokenness, that’s something I think is beautiful.”
– Melissa, an INFP
Related: Understanding INFP Feeling
Related: Understanding INFJ Intuition
3 – Sadness Connects Us All
INFJs and INFPs are true introverts, yet as feeling types they long to have meaningful connections with other people. However, the depth they crave in relationships is often hard to find. In sadness they see a unifying vulnerability that they can relate to and grasp. They feel that being with others in their grief and struggles brings them closer and forms a deeper bond.
“I am attracted to sadness. I want to listen to people who are sad, and I want to feel it myself. I have had a difficult life and I’ve been through a lot of pain, and I want to understand what other people suffer. I see beauty and strength in sadness and survival, and I want to help people through it. I want them to know they’re not alone.”
– Cassandra, an INFJ
Related: 4 Reasons Why INFJs Struggle with Loneliness
4 – INFs Like to “Feel”
INFs like to empathize. They like to immerse themselves in emotions. Just as the SP feels good when they take an exciting new risk, or the SJ feels good when they put things in order, the NF enjoys feeling, empathizing, and understanding. Does this mean they constantly want to be inundated with negative emotions? No. While they are typically good listeners who enjoy being there for people, they also can become emotionally overwhelmed if they are constantly taking on other people’s emotions. They feel fulfilled when they can listen and connect with struggling people, but they have to do it in moderation. Sometimes they enjoy simply connecting with melancholy art forms or an idea that evokes strong emotions. They like to escape into a sad song or movie, a sad book or painting. Being able to privately feel and connect with the emotions in a story or piece of art simply “feels good” to a lot of them.
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFPs
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFJs
“But I don’t like sad things and I’m an INF”
There are certain generalities about personality types that don’t apply to everyone. For every 8 INFs who are drawn to sad things, there will be 2 who prefer the cheerful parts of life and find sadness overwhelming. I’ve also spoken with ENFPs, ISFPs, and ENFJs who are drawn to sadness, although not as frequently as INF types. It’s okay if you don’t feel a connection to this article; it doesn’t mean you’re mistyped.
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What Do You Think?
Are you drawn to sadness or do you find it unsettling? Let me know in the comments!
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INFP here; so glad to have come across this article. I had thought that i was strange because I found sadness and darkness beautiful. So happy to know it a thing with INF personalities. Wish I knew more INFs in my daily life. It’s really hard trying to explain to other why you like sadness or darkness without them just quickly jumping to the conclusion that your depressed.
I’m an INFJ and can so relate to everything. I often wondered why I was drawn more to melancholy than sunshine and unicorns. I’ve always felt drawn to feeling deeply all the emotion with an understanding I could never fathom. For example, when I read someone’s story about their life, struggles and dreadful experiences etc, I intensely feel their pain and sorrow and I feel deeply that I owe it to that person to read their story. I mean, they will never know I’ve read it or anything but I seem to think that I am showing them a level of respect, at the very least. Like, they’ve been through this terrible thing, at least I can show them the respect they deserve by listening to them. Does that make sense to anyone? I think I’ve just tangled myself up in my own words and I’m probably not expressing it right, apologies. I love these articles, thanks Susan. Great job, please keep them coming.
I completely empathize with you and feel the same way. You didn’t trip up over your words and it was understood. I feel I have a hard time expressing myself as you do, but that’s just your “critic” function talking. You’re great, and I value the sincerity in your choice in “being” with that story/person. Another INFJ here.
True that. I feel the same way like you. :’)
I’m an INFJ and I was just searching “why am I drawn to pain” and this article came up. So on point. I’m happy I found it.
When I’m angry and upset I paint dark pictures – like a small group of trees alone in the middle of a ploughed field in heavy rain with multiple lightning strikes hitting the trees. Later I have to paint some bright flowers as an antidote!
I am an ISTJ, but I am also inexplicably drawn to sad things, especially sad music. I don’t have well developed feeling functions but listening to sad music helps me feel immersed in my own world. This sensation is difficult to convey in words. I feel like certain sad things lend themselves to my temperament while others don’t. When it comes to explaining this odd relationship to others I rely on mental imagery, since I use predominantly introverted sensing. I might be an unusual ISTJ. I am moody, pensive and unenthusiastic most of the time. Sometimes other people don’t see it because I don’t usually show my emotions too much. I’m actually quite depressed. I feel like my dependence on introverted sensing is also impeding my recovery from.depredsion. As a Thinking type, I am expected to be logical and objective but most of the time I find myself overtaken by negative thoughts or emotions. Unfortunately my feeling functions are incredibly immature and it is almost impossible for me to navigate my inner world relying on them. Since I don’t use my intuitive functions much I don’t really gain any valuable insight through reflection or by experimenting with different possibilities. I use Extraverted Sensing moderately so I have a tendency towards indulging in unhealthy habits. Kind of a tragic situation, I guess. I am not very brainiac and I don’t derive as much satisfaction from intellectual activities as some of my friends. I don’t have many hands-on hobbies either. Most people see me as quite academic and meticulous, but that’s not who I am. Sorry, I am wandering off topic. I guess I just wanna share who I am a little bit and see if anyone relates.
INFP Here! I’ve always known that I was drawn to sad things but never really thought about it. Liking sad things is just normal for me. However, I sorta found out that not all people liked what I liked when I became a College Professor and gave a reading list of poems, essays and short stories that were all melancholic and almost all dealt with death and grief (ex. Poems: Annabel Lee, The Highwayman, The Lady of Shalott) (ex. Short play: The Valiant). While discussing the poem (The Raven) a student pointed out how much I liked sad, melancholic and tragic stories… That was when it hit me that they all found it odd while it was perfectly normal for me to have these works as my favorites… My sister even finds it odd that my favorite book is Withering Heights….
As an INFP, l am a natural creator and artist. To me good art is something that makes you feel something… A pretty picture in a frame is just that, something in the background that doesn’t inspire deep thought or feeling, does it?
Indeed, l am also drawn to sad music! I have lived a turbulent, difficult life due to narcissistic abuse. It brings me comfort that l am not alone in my suffering and l appreciate that from out of a place of pain, a moving piece of art had been created. I am also blessed with an unusually low voice, l am a Contralto. The deep, rich and dark contralto sound can be quite haunting, somber, melancholic. A voice that has so much more depth, weight and gravity to it, you can’t help but listen. The messages they carry are often stirring, profound, emotionally affecting. For instance, Toni is famous for her “gut-wrenching Alto”, you literally hear and see her in pain, but oh her warm and deep voice is so rich and luxurious. The mysterious yet blunt and forthright Contralto of Amy Winehouse is always distinctive and memorable.
I naturally have a lugubrious, dark voice all the way up to my top register… My sister would literally tell me to stop singing (so high) it made her sad (????). A wonderful contralto who has this quality in pop is singer LYVES. Everytime l listen to fellow contraltos l feel I’m connecting with spiritual sisters… Like Stevie Nicks’ “Sisters of the Moon”. I am ADDICTED to the sad and melancholy tunes. They suit my voice best. Besides, these songs allow listeners to LUXURIATE in low, rich tones. Sade is the contralto Queen of the Quiet Storm.
Contralto being the rarest female voice of all is often misunderstood and criminally underrepresented or appreciated. I hope one day l will write a book on this subject.
As both a contralto and an INFP, l am thankful that this site exists. I feel validated for my unique, fabulous self. I know l have much to contribute to the world with my insight, perspectives and artistic gifts. Thank you!
INFJ here. I am drawn to sad things, but also dark and twisty things. I love dark, sad books, anything that evokes strong emotions. When I write it’s with a lot of emotion, but never bright happy feelings. I need sad things to help purge the build up of emotions I have. I bottle things up and then purge those feelings by having a good cry with a sad book or movie.
Hi, I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Ever since I was little, I’ve always been intrigued by really dark things. Like REALLY dark. I remember when I was eight and I read my older sister’s book and it was about people who were molested as children sharing their stories, and it made me so sad, but i couldn’t stop reading. I was sad, but also greatly intrigued by the people who had suffered from these awful acts. I remember when i was about 6 or 7, I would imagine that I was a homeless women with a baby who was greatly suffering, or a child in Alaska who was freezing to death and struggling to survive. I’ve always been extremely creative, but I’ve also seemed to lean more to the dark side. I Know that things such as abuse, homelessness, starvation and all things in that category are NOT pretty and not okay at all, and I greatly hurt for the people who go through those things, I mean I can’t even watch a video of a someone talking about something like their husband passing away 30 years ago without bursting into tears. I find myself, not wanting those awful things to happen to me, in my life, but if I could like be reincarnated I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated as a child who was being abused, or who was born in a really poor country, or who was born to the gang life lives of great PAIN, I sometimes even catch myself feeling that over a being reincarnated to a HAPPY easy care free life. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, long before I suffered with depression. I try to stop but i just can’t stop being drawn to these kinds of things, yeah fantasizing about being a little girl who was sexually abused and can’t function normally might make me cry my eyes out and wanna die because of how gross this world is, but I can’t stop, and I don’t want to, but I feel like this is a problem. I feel like it’s not okay and am to ashamed to talk to someone about it so can anyone help me??
I’m attracted to really dark and twisted things, like abuse, and poverty and stuff. Like, I can’t imagine any of that stuff happening to me, and don’t want it to, but I feel like if i had gotten reincarnated into a life of severe abuse or harm, I wouldn’t mind. It baffles me because I hurt so deeply for people who go through those things, but I’m so intrigued and attracted to those things, I have been for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if this is wrong, but I feel like it is. Can someone help?
also, I remember when I was like eight reading a book about these people who were molested as children sharing their stories (it was my 14 year old sisters) and I was so sad, but also so intrigued. I couldn’t stop reading. I remember when i was about 6 or 7 and I was playing like I was a homeless women with a baby, or a starving child in Alaska nearly freezing to death. I’ve always been extremely creative, but it seems I’ve always tended to lean more to the dark side. I’m a very sensitive person, like I can’t watch a video on someone talking about the love of their life passing away 30 years ago without bursting out in tears. I know that all these things suck, and are just painful and hurtful so I don’t know why I’m so drawn to them. I couldn’t imagine these things happening to me, and wouldn’t want to, but I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated into someone else who did go through those things, sometimes even perferring that over a happy easy care free life. I’m somewhere between extrovert and introvert, love socializing, can spark up a conversation with anyone, but I love being alone to. Is there something wrong with me?
I’m not anybody special, I couldn’t tell you from an educated background whether there’s something wrong or not. However, I have a feeling that you’re not alone. I never write comments on anything, but your’s is the first comment I’ve seen in which talks about being “intrigued” by dark painful things. This is something I’ve been curious about for awhile. I don’t think it’s a strange thing necessarily. I think that for same reasons that this article explains why some people are “drawn to sad things,” the same goes for sadness which is also painful, or feelings of anger, or just strong emotions. I think this may be because, human beings are not made to be happy all the time. Life is hard, we all know this. When you spend your time unable to be yourself and “feel” the way you want to, or the way you intuitively know you should be feeling, I think you begin to yearn for ways to express it/ feel it. I think desire to feel pain can come from wanting to understand it. Wanting to know how much people have suffered so that you may understand/relate to it. Or maybe because you’ve seen that the world is cruel, and begin to wonder, how on Earth could I possibly be feeling just happy, when the reality is showing me that life about so much more than that. Missing out on so many wonderful/terrible feelings, despite them maybe being painful etc etc. as strange as that may sound. We know they are a part of life, they are still- feelings that are “human” to us all. It would seem really sad to ignore your true feelings, and just pent it up until it hurts so bad you can’t take it anymore. This could be a way of saying, something’s missing, the people around me are ignoring something that I think is very important…everyone seems afraid to be themselves, they’re in pain but they can’t express their pain, so instead they start drinking and taking drugs to let it out. I want to help them understand that it’s okay to cry or let it out. In a way, crying is beautiful, because it means the person has accepted their feelings. Maybe because you understand this, you want to help those who are in pain accept their feelings, and so you in turn through listening to what is causing pain, adopt pain in a way, so that you can guide them through accepting and make them feel as if they finally have someone to turn to, and in which you both feel a beautiful sense of sadness and understanding. I used sadness as an example, but anger can be just as beautiful, in it’s own way. Of course, in life, if you have a job, if you have kids, you just can’t ignore those things to feel the way you want to right? There’s lots of big factor in which lead to keeping your “composure,” for good or for worse. And painful/strong feelings tend to take a toll on the bodies energy, which leaves you exhausted. But I think, what drives a lot of artists is these kinds desires to feel or recognize these feelings. You try to tell people, “Won’t you take a look at sadness or anger from this angle?” So if you’re into art, or even if you’re not, I would say own it! Be yourself and love yourself and all that jazz…. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I kinda spilled lots of words into this comment, I hope it makes sense, and if I misunderstood anything or am spreading misinformation, then I’m sorry… I think when you look at everyone as human beings, this helps tremendously to understand feelings.
hi m8
i left you an honest reply, it might get removed, probably 100 percent removed
im infp-t mediator empath, i have had a life of misery and painful abuse, and drawn to the darker things on this planet, its ecstasy so lovely to live in misery and abuse, i hope the moderators dont remove my reply, its honest to the point of a painful read
but it was so nice
peter
I have often felt a certain comfort in sadness; perhaps that’s why I prefer winter and rainy days than sunshine. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the warmth of the sun or that I’m not generally a happy person, but sadness appeals to me and I have never known why.
Shaun – INFJ
Yipe, this is so true. Also sadness brings out the inspiration to be artistic in my case. I usually draw or paint when I am sad or in darkness.