What is the INFJ “Door Slam”? The Rumors and the Truth
If you’re an INFJ and you’ve been part of the personality community for long, you’ve probably heard of the infamous INFJ “door slam”. According to popular belief, “Door slamming” occurs when an INFJ cuts someone completely out of their life without warning. They “purge” the person from their existence and avoid them at all costs. According to some writers, the INFJ does this with more frequency and severity than other types. I’ve seen self-professed INFJs brag about door-slamming, question if they’re an INFJ if they don’t door slam, or simply begin door slamming after they read about it in an article somewhere.
My opinion on the INFJ door slam will likely be unpopular to some. In my time as an MBTI® practitioner, I haven’t seen this practice be any more specific to INFJs than breathing air or hating the sound of people chewing. I myself am an INFJ and have only “door-slammed” someone once. In that situation, the individual was literally stalking me and was psychologically unwell. I don’t even know if you’d call that “door slamming” as much as avoiding.
Disclaimer: “Door-slamming” can be a good or bad thing. In some cases, it is similar to ghosting, which can be very hurtful. In other cases, it’s a form of self-protection when someone is abusive, hurtful, or perpetually dishonest. This article isn’t meant to place judgment on people who door-slam, it’s merely my opinion (along with data I’ve collected) on whether or not this is truly an INFJ thing.
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What is the INFJ “Door Slam”? The Rumors and the Truth
“Door Slamming” Doesn’t Appear to be Specific to INFJs
I surveyed over 20,000 individuals on my email list and asked them if they “door-slammed” and, if so, what it meant to them. Turns out INFJs are no more likely to door-slam than ENTJs or ISFPs. INTPs actually ranked as the type most likely to door-slam, but even that was by a very small margin.
Here are quotes about door-slamming from some of the people I surveyed:
“I don’t really get the whole “door slamming” thing. If someone is toxic or abusive, then sure. I might avoid them. But if it’s a friend or a partner then I’ll give plenty of warnings first. I’m not just going to suddenly disappear.”
– Eric, an INFJ
“I have “door slammed” once or twice. I only do it in emotionally abusive situations, though, when my well-being is on the line.”
– Gloria, an INFP
“I don’t know if you’d call it door-slamming, but I’ve “ghosted” before. It’s not something I’m proud of, but sometimes I just can’t handle the emotional demands that someone puts on me. I have social anxiety and I think that’s a part of it.”
– Trevor, an INTP
“I will withdraw and detach if things aren’t going well, but I almost never cut people off completely. That seems rude and childish in most cases, and is reserved for people who absolutely refuse to respect my boundaries.”
– @MsWired, INFJ Twitter User
“I try to (door slam), I really do, but I can’t. I see door slamming as just being up to a certain point fed up with someone’s behavior and essentially cutting them off completely without them even knowing you did so.”
– Denzel Mensah, ENFJ Life coach
“I do, often enough to where I wonder how much is too much. Usually, it’s when I’ve consistently put in effort to the relationship that’s been unreciprocated. Ironically, the only person who has ever taken a step to make amends is my INFJ best friend.”
– Monique, an ENTP
“I door slam in cases of betrayal or dishonesty. Also if someone tries to limit my activities and thoughts to their own standards.”
– @Kyasaaat, ENTJ
“I’ll door slam on occasion, but only if someone is making me feel unsafe or especially uncomfortable. I had an old boyfriend who seemed to stalk me at and just gave me the creeps. I changed my number and avoided him as much as possible. I think that’s self-protection more than “door-slamming” though.”
– Angelina, an ISFJ
“Door-slamming is efficient sometimes. If I don’t like someone or they’re selfish or dishonest then I don’t want to waste my time. Some people deserve it, and maybe if it happens enough they’ll realize they need to change the way they’re behaving. I don’t think I intentionally door slam. I’m just busy and if somebody’s going to act foolishly I may not waste my time trying to explain why they’re wasting my time with their needless drama.”
– Merlin, an ESTP
No Official MBTI® Literature Mentions the Door Slam
If you ask about the INFJ door slam at an MBTI® certification course, the teacher is likely going to laugh and shake their head (as mine did when it was brought up). If you sort through the pages of the MBTI® Manual there will be no mention of door-slamming. In fact, if anything, most books will say that INFJs have a hard time letting go of negative relationships and it can take them a long time to put an end to them.
Does this mean INFJs don’t door slam? No. Some do, and some have good reasons to do it. But nothing in the data shows that they do this with more frequency or intensity than other types.
But You’re Invalidating My Experience!
As I’ve said before, I’m not saying that INFJs never door slam – I’m only saying that it is not an exclusively INFJ habit. Many people I’ve spoken with have very good reasons for shutting people out of their lives. Some people shut people out for bad reasons (they don’t want to be accountable for a mistake they’ve made, or they’re just too anxious to be direct about their feelings).
How DO INFJs Deal with Negative People?
Negativity, conflict, and frequent criticism can create a lot of stress for INFJs. These personality types find themselves feeling anxious, hurt, or even physically sick in conflict-ridden environments. They tend to take on the perspectives of the people around them, imagining where they’re coming from and seeing many different sides to a situation. Because of this, it can be difficult for them to tune into their own feelings about what’s happening around them. They may get caught up in trying to please people or diffuse conflict and, in the process, lose sight of what they need. INFJs also tend to absorb the moods and emotions of people around them, which means that negative or angry people can be exhausting for them to be around. This doesn’t mean that INFJs will drop their friends at the first sign of negativity. In fact, INFJs tend to enjoy counseling and listening to people who need advice. However, if people are directing that negativity outward in combative, hurtful ways, INFJs have a low tolerance for this.
In friendships, INFJs tend to have a small circle of deep, long-standing relationships. They are fiercely protective of their loved ones and can have a hard time letting a relationship go because of how much they value loyalty. They are unlikely to cut someone out of their lives unless that person has repeatedly offended them or has betrayed their values in some way. That said, there are both mature and immature INFJs. Some may be loyal and compassionate friends, while others may be manipulative and self-serving.
Here are some of the ways that INFJs deal with negative people:
- If a person is consistently negative or draining, INFJs may space out interactions so that they don’t get too overwhelmed.
- They may tactfully address their concerns with the friend directly.
- They may seek relationship or friendship advice from a therapist or friend
- They may take some time away from the individual to sort out how they feel.
- They may door-slam if they feel that they won’t be listened to or their boundaries won’t be respected.
- They may write an email or letter to the negative person so that they can speak their mind without getting flustered by the other person’s feelings or arguments.
What Are Your Thoughts?
Do you agree or disagree with this article? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments! You can also explore more about the INFJ personality type in my eBook, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic.
Here Are Some Other Articles You Might Like:
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Agreed! I see people loudly proclaiming with pride they have “doorslammed” as INFJ. I sometimes think people take on characteristics of an mbti profile with pride. My “doorslamming” is a gentle slow close that usually happens in self protective mode. With empathy, guilt and sadness. It happens involuntarily in my head and heart, a gentle distancing. Outwardly I am one of those who will never cut off communication with anyone, so yes still friends with exes and people who have hurt me, understanding they hurt too and we are all human. Empathy causes forgiveness automatically. So a polite distance and more caution required when interacting with them. Just means the open door leaving our vulnerable borders crossable has to be knocked on now…and you may have to stay on the porch during visit 🙂
Text book INFJ here. I feel the outward ‘door slam’ is way too aggresive for INFJs.
Personally, I have emotionally door slammed people, but I haven’t manifestly cut them out of my life. Too confrontational, too final and, really, just bad manners! That doesn’t mean I haven’t sanctioned these people ‘in my own mind’. I definitely have a different and irreversible attitude toward people I have emotionally door slammed. But, it takes a lot for me to get to that position.
I have door slammed a couple of people in my life and i think im used to it now. One reason why i do it when the other party is too much wanting the attention that all day talking is all on her or his. A one – sided friendship. When i get interrupted when talking or forced to talk when i dont. Another reason is that when i am misuderstood or disregarded my stand. I tried explaining but they never listened. Lastly is that when people mistreated me or taken me for granted.
Married to an infj for almost 25 years…great insight. Thank you for the info.
So true!
Thank you!! I’m glad you enjoyed the article 🙂
I’m an INFJ and I suppose there is a degree of door slamming that I’ve had to do. I never thought of it that way though. There have been quite a few difficult times in my life where I have done this for my own health spiritually and physically. I think sometimes it’s been a reaction to conflict which could not be solved because of indifference or defensiveness/aggression by the other party. I’ve always believed that people chose to make situations or relationships work (no matter how difficult), but even though I believe that, I also believe that some people refuse and then consequences come. There are people who have lied about me to project blame onto someone other than themselves, and when I have approached them about this, they have gaslit or turned tables and began accusing me of things which were completely non-sensical. Where the person has decided their position and are no longer open or allowing you to stand your position or even have a word in the conversation, that’s when I pull out. I recently did this after being accused of witchcraft in a church I had decided to attend for a year (before the incident), there were no grounds but they was wanted to blame certain failings of the particular church on anyone who wasn’t within the core team of the church. I brought up my concern of feeling as though quite a number of the church members had been avoiding me and left me feeling sad. People were rescheduling or rather scheduling me out and not inviting me to things -which was very different from what it used to be. I was told by the pastor that if I didn’t like it that I should go find another church. She told me that she had been having conversations with the rest of the church behind my back about pulling me from all sorts of ministries and had already pulled me out from some. This pastor is quite a prominent pastor where I live and she has been spreading rumours about me saying that I’m a witch and sending them hexes and such. When I had been barraged with no chance to defend myself, I thought… I suppose I may detach myself from this toxic people… so I did. And, any other contacts including social media and any connections had been properly blocked by myself. I just thought, I don’t want these toxic paranoid people in my life – so I completely cut everything off. I have had to slam doors for people like stalkers previously or people who really tried to take advantage of me. I hate it when people try to manipulate me – it’s one if the only things I don’t have patience for. The concept of door slamming is interesting but perhaps INFJs are just more striking with how strongly they cut people off.
I better understand now…
The problem is the gap between what you say a day, your benevolent attitude, and the death silence for the next months. In fact it is very difficult to know if you are internally in phase with you emotions. I’m not saying that it’s not justified, but it’s just illogical. You are not sincere with yourself when you are asked to be.
I am suspicious of the INFJs because you can say the opposite of what you feel without even realizing it.
In this sense you are incomparable with other types. I do not think it’s a rumor, no more than the anger of the ISTPs.
I’m an INFJ and I did the “Doorslam” in the past.
And other (non-INFJ) former friends doorslammed or ghosted me.
So I agree: It’s no “INFJs-only” thing.
I did it the “Suddenly avoid any contact” – way when I was a child, cause back then I couldn’t communicate my reasons. Later I wrote Goodbye-letters. Today I try to resolve the problems in the relationship for a long time before ending it. And after closing the door I’m still open to talk about my reasons. I’m very convinced to do the right thing to protect myself and it’s still a “point of no return” – feeling. I’m emotionally not able to let the other one stay close to me anymore. But I’m never “proud” doing it. I’m sad about it. Still people don’t see it coming while I think it completely obvious that the relationship is unhealthy. In the last situation I really tried hard to communicate it, but in the end my tone was to “friendly and diplomatic” for the other to get the severity of the situation. I’m still learning to set my boundaries – and to do it in a way others get it.
Internally, ISTP and INTJ intellectualize their behavior a lot before being overwhelmed by their inner emotions they neglect at the moment they wait the least. Added to (Se): explosive
At a younger age when someone repeatedly offended me I keep trying to improve our relationship, to show the way I would like to be treated. That didn’t help me a lot, as I ended up emotionally exhausted and suffered of crippling panic attacks ,depression and health issues for a long time. Now, after years of pain and having met different personalities , I professionally identify these persons and immediately door-slam them without second thought and not even a warning. When is a close friend or relationship, things get more difficult for me , I am usually more patient giving them some warning, hoping they will feel my pain. If they don’t , I door-slam them no matter how much it hurts. If it happens to be in the same workplace and I have to communicate, I shut down any emotion towards that person , no empathy just emptiness, feeling nothing and communicate in such a formal way like we don’t know each other.
I’m a 47 yo woman who just recently discovered I’m an INFJ. This “door slam” – I’ve only ever done it 3 times in my life. Two of those times came after 22 years & 35 years respectively. It is not something that is premeditated and is definitely NOT done flippantly or lightly. Fallout for an INFJ is really,really hard. We grieve – for a long time. Usually we feel as if we’re the failure in the relationship because we weren’t able to help make life changes for the person we care about. We rarely do self preservation and for an INFJ to recognize that is the ONLY thing left – says ALOT – thus the abrupt, severe nature. Otherwise we may just sacrifice ourself.