10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFJ
As an INFJ, words are very powerful to you. You think hard about what you say and how you say it, being careful to choose just the right phrase to fit the occasion. You try to think of perspectives and alternate viewpoints, trying to take into consideration everyone’s point of view. When other people use words carelessly or refuse to see your viewpoint it can feel draining to spend time with them.
We’re all triggered by different statements and words more than others. In general, everyone hates hearing “calm down”, “relax”, or “you’re being too sensitive”. When I spoke with members of each personality type, across the board everyone hated those statements. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being irrational, regardless of their thinking or feeling preference. But what especially triggers the perceptive, empathetic INFJs? Let’s take a look.
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“Let Me Stop You Right There…”
INFJs think hard before they speak, and they like to have the chance to complete one thought before moving onto another. Interruptions and being cut off in the middle of a sentence will exasperate them because they often need to take some time to feel that their message is fleshed out properly.
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“Get Over It”
When INFJs have been hurt they need time to heal and think through how to move forward. Being rushed to “get over” what happened will make them feel irritated and misunderstood.
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“That’ll Never Happen”
The insights and predictions of the INFJ are often met with skepticism by other types. Because their premonitions are often the result of a “hunch”, sensing types tend to be wary of accepting them. This is usually a bad idea, because INFJ insights are often scarily accurate.
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“I’ve Got You Figured Out”
Sorry. You don’t.
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“Here’s Some Advice”
INFJs don’t appreciate unsolicited advice unless someone has an extremely thorough knowledge of the subject at hand. Think hard before giving advice to an INFJ, if they are really struggling with something, chances are they’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out solutions already.
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“You’re Too Serious. Lighten Up!”
INFJs take life seriously and have difficulty just “living it up” in the moment. Typologist A.J. Drenth says of INFJs, “Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from the feeling that their ideals and insights are not being recognized or actualized in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may, therefore, question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights.” Read his entire article here.
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“Everyone Like This Does That”
Generalizations. These are the bane of the INFJ’s existence. People are nuanced and life is complicated, and INFJs realize that there are a million and one different reasons why people do the things they do. Hasty generalizations about broad groups of people make INFJs instantly irritable. For example, “All INFJs don’t know how to be logical!” or “All Republicans/Liberals believe (some extremist viewpoint).” INFJs may even find themselves playing devil’s advocate against themselves just to discount a generalization!
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“You’re Not Trying Hard Enough!”
INFJs are major perfectionists and generally try hard at just about everything. What are they not trying hard enough to do? Is it really important? Could there be a better way of encouraging them? Probably.
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“I’ll Never Understand You”
INFJs tend to feel misunderstood most of the time, but being told that the hope of being understood is out of reach or impossible can be an incredibly depressing realization.
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“Your Idea is Weird. Let’s Go the Traditional Route.”
INFJs are visionaries who like to try new and innovative ways of doing things. Using the “tried and true” method can be frustrating for them. They don’t automatically respect tradition or repetitive techniques. Give their ideas a chance before automatically reverting to a traditional method.
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What Are Your Thoughts?
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One thing that really stresses me out as an INFJ is when someone notices I am seriously upset and tries to comfort me by talking on and on and on. This ALWAYS CAUSES ME MORE STRESS. What I really need is just some expression to let me know they care. Then, leave me alone and let me find comfort in my own way. Usually that involves distracting myself with some other activity or line of thought. When a person who undoubtedly means well keeps talking about the cause of mu distress, it is like having salt rubbed deeper and deeper into a wound or using a knife on an open cut and cutting deeper and deeper into it. I want to run away from them when someone does this. Other things I fear: 1) Being questioned by overly inquisitive friends about personal matters, 2) Being openly judged and/or given feedback by people who have no knowledge or understanding of the differences in people. 3) Having company forced upon me. 4) The telephone. I hate it! I especially hate receiving useless communications about things I don’t want or need. 5) Heights. 6) Losing loved ones, especially my children and/or grandchildren. 7) Flying in airplanes.. (Although I used to dream that I could free fly, just raising my arms and soaring on the wind currents as high as I want and wherever I want). 8) Displeasing the most important people in my life and/or my God. 9) Wasting my whole life by living in my head thus never accomplishing anything. 10) Feeling trapped in uncomfortable situations or groups.
The title of the article is incomplete. When you use the word “should” it has to be followed up with an “if” statement to assert the purpose of the suggestion. For example “10 things you should never say to an INFJ if you want to avoid conflict”. To me as an ENTP I read the article as 10 things not to say if you want to give the INFJ the safe space they seemingly all need according to how they are usually described. And if you know ENTP the list is basically saying to us “say these things for hilarious results”
Bingo! In one regard, I thank you for putting my peeves on paper. In another regard, I pride myself on being unique and since I recently found out my personality type I am learning that I am really just like so many other INFJ’S ?.
“Hitler was an infj”, yeah he just twitted his 16 personality test results, what a shock.
Don’t write things as if they are facts if you just assume them.
You’re right, it’s not fact for sure. It just is the opinion of a lot of typologists, but it could be wrong!
But noone ever says, “youre not trying hard enough” to me. Its always “you try too hard.” which is upsetting because it makes me feel ridiculous of who I am. Its just me to go above & beyond when it comes to my ideals.
Yeah, I certainly get the latter more often. But I have gotten a “Try harder!” before in a sort of playful manner from a peer because I’d failed. It wasn’t till then that I learned it hurt just as much as someone saying, “You’re trying too hard.”
As an INFJ, it is hard for me to let people in when I’m feeling sad or lonely. At work, I have a very sweet colleague who can’t help barely listening to what I say, even when I’m being very vulnerable and it’s something very serious, so she can jump into a whole bunch of stuff about herself or her family members. I want to say, “Can we stay focused on me for a little while?” usually, what she says are things I’ve heard many times before. She is a high extrovert and doesn’t know what it costs me to open up. I’m figuratively lying their bleeding saying I’ve had an amputation, and she says,” My son once got a bad papercut… “
That must have been frustrating for you, Tina.
I can certainly understand the feeling of not getting a word in edgewise.
It can be hard to find someone who’ll give the time of day, and who we feel we can trust, but there are gems out there and I sincerely hope you find one around you.
Take care.
I will say, I’m an infj, and I noticed myself bringing conversations back around to me when I was incredibly depressed. I wasn’t interacting with anybody from The real world, so whenever people would bring issues to me, I would bring up my past experiences in an attempt to relate to them. she might just be doing that because she’s extroverted and it’s her way of trying to relate to you. When you’re introverted all the time, and don’t share much with the world, you’re not really giving them anything to grasp onto as far as a conversation would go. Just think of it like she’s trying to be a little more personal with you, kind of like a you share then I share situation. Everything in this world is on a spectrum of positive and negative, and it’s steered completely by your perception of your world. Try not to go into things giving it the negative slide on that spectrum. Give it a chance.