Are You Compatible? INFJs and Relationships
I’ve been putting off writing about the INFJ and compatibility in relationships for a while. Maybe it’s because I felt like it would be a little conceited to talk about how awesome INFJs are in relationships when I am one. Maybe it’s because pretty much every book out there says that INFJs do best with other intuitive types, and I’m married to a sensor. I guess that’s just the kind of rule-breaker I am!
Seriously though, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that, as I’ve said before, I’m NOT a relationship expert and so I believe that (often) people take the MBTI® too seriously in their relationships. There have been those who question their relationships after finding a chart somewhere that says their type and their partner’s type are incompatible.
The MBTI® can tell us where potential strengths and weaknesses lie, but it does not say ‘avoid this type / be with that type’. There are pluses and minuses to any relationship, and people within a type can vary so much based on upbringing and environment. Yes, intuitives and intuitives tend to inherently understand each other’s perceptions better, as do sensors and sensors. However, you really can have a happy relationship with any type as long as you both do your best to be understanding and to work on balancing out your strengths and weaknesses.
Not sure what your personality type is? Take our new personality questionnaire here. Or you can take the official MBTI® here.
If you want more in-depth info on INFJs and relationships be sure to check out my eBook The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic
What INFJs Want In Relationships
Is the perfect soulmate too much to ask for? Really? One of the struggles of being an INFJ is that of being a true idealist and a perfectionist. While we are very warm, affirming people by nature – we also tend to be over-achievers in relationships. We want to be the “perfect” partner, and we tend to want our partner to be the “perfect” soulmate. We want someone who will make the effort to truly know us (which can take a while as we’re very private), and someone who will listen to our greatest hopes and dreams and ambitions. An INFJ would passionately cling to a life of singleness over being married to someone, or dating someone, who they feel little passion or depth of feeling for. INFJs are very independent, and while we long for a partner and soulmate in life, we have very little tendency to be desperate or to “settle” for anything less than someone with whom we share a very deep connection.
As David Kiersey so aptly puts it; “Finding that rare person with whom they can share their inner world is difficult for idealists, a painful process of trial and error, and often they vow not to date at all for periods of time rather than go through the search. For NFs, dating someone means more than physical fun or social experience; it is an opening of their heart and mind to the other person, in some cases a baring of their soul, and carries with it both a promise and an expectation of deep regard and mutual understanding.”
In relationships, INFJs usually seek intelligence (both intellectual and emotional), authenticity, and openness. Ideally, since we are always on a quest for personal growth, we want a partner who is seeking this same kind of personal or spiritual growth. We want to see the dark and light side of a person, not just the side you choose to show us. We’re pretty good at detecting phoniness or hidden agendas, so being honest and open is one of the best ways to impress us.
What INFJs are Like in Relationships
What INFJs are Like in RelationshipsI may have painted us to be quite a demanding group of people, and maybe you’re thinking “wow! these people sound high-maintenance!”, but let me add a point. INFJs are extremely loyal and understanding. Once we’ve made the decision to commit to a relationship with you, we will love you unreservedly and passionately – seeing the best that’s in you and overlooking a multitude of weaknesses. We have plenty of our own weaknesses, of which many of us are highly aware. Personal weaknesses are easily overlooked, but if you degrade or criticize one of our deeply held values it’s not likely to go so well.
As perfectionists, we INFJs work hard at our relationships to try to be the best we can be for our partner. We aren’t perfect, that’s true, but we certainly do try to be. We hold ourselves to a higher standard than we generally hold our mates and children; so while we may at times seem too idealistic, we are usually going to be extremely thoughtful and caring towards those we love. We are also (usually) very empathetic and good listeners, and we will do what we can to make sure harmony is maintained in the relationship.
INFJs are often very sincere romantics. We love to express our feelings through gifts; usually gifts with a symbolic meaning, like a beloved piece of music, a favorite book, a piece of artwork. We may write poetry, love letters, or find other ways to show you how deeply we really care. When in love, we often make ourselves more vulnerable than is naturally comfortable for us. This, for us, is a way of being generous and authentic with our partners. It may scare us to tell you that we love you, to write you that poem, or to have you listen to that song that describes how we feel. But showing you, or giving you, these long-locked pieces of our hearts, are one of the most generous ways that we as INFJs can show our love.
Keep in mind, INFJs usually are better at expressing their feelings through writing, than through speech. Many INFJs harbor deeper feelings than they say out loud. A great way of unlocking those feelings is by engaging in letter-writing (not just texting!). In letters or even emails, you will often see a side of the INFJ that they have a harder time showing in person.
So what should you do to make your INFJ happy?
– Be 100% yourself.
– Don’t be scared to think outside the box.
– Listen to our passions and our deep feelings.
– Talk about your passions and/or feelings.
– Have a hard time talking about feelings? Write them down! We love written communication.
– Be kind. We tend to be on the sensitive side.
On a side note, I have officially come to the conclusion that writing about what INFJs want in relationships as an INFJ is awkward. I feel like I’m pointing out all our strengths and ignoring our weaknesses…don’t worry, we’ll get to that!
What NOT to do:
– Be passive-aggressive. INFJs do not handle this well and tend to give up on relationships where they’re faced with this regularly.
– Dismiss our theories or insights. Ni is an INFJs most advanced function. While we’re not always right about our insights, we are more than most.
– Criticize our sensitivity. INFJs are often highly-sensitive people, and things like loud noises, bright lights, and lots of commotion can make us extremely overstimulated. We can also get very overwhelmed and frightened by horror movies (although we may still like them).
– Criticize our intense emotions. INFJs are not good at internally managing their feelings; their unique combination of Ni (introverted intuition) and Fe (extraverted feeling) makes it very hard for them to sort out what’s going on when they experience emotions. Because of this, they often feel overwhelmed by emotions and feelings they don’t even understand. It can become so intense that they become physically sick as a result. Because their feeling function is extraverted, they will easily understand other people’s feelings, but be unable to decipher their own. If they externalize (talk about) their feelings, they are then able to process them through extraverted feeling. So being able to listen, give your input, and not judge is an essential part of being in a healthy relationship with an INFJ.
INFJs and Guardians (SJ types) in Relationships:
INFJs and SJ types usually enjoy very comfortable and happy relationships. INFJs appreciate the stability and responsible nature of the SJ types. The SJs appreciate the warmth, passion, and sincerity of the INFJ. Guardians (SJ types) can feel like a stable force in the INFJs life since INFJs are prone to feeling scattered and of two minds about many things. In turn, the INFJ can add some creativity and intensity to the relationship that the guardian admires and appreciates. These two types will both take the relationship seriously and be very committed to each other. An INFJ usually (not always) will get along better with an ISFJ/ESFJ type than an ESTJ/ISTJ type, simply because both are concerned very much with maintaining harmony and will work to take care of each other’s feelings. ISFJs and ESFJs have Fe and Ti, which INFJs also have. INFJs share no common functions with ISTJs or ESTJs.
However, the MBTI shouldn’t always be a guideline for relationships and many STJs and INFJs have very happy relationships.
Problems arise for INFJs and SJs in relationships often due to the N/S difference. The SJ may tire of the INFJs flights of passion and imagination; and they may see the INFJ as being impractical, with their head in the clouds. The INFJ, in turn, can view the SJ as being “boring”, lacking vision, or being overly traditional. INFJs with thinking SJ types can feel that they are too bossy, or too insensitive to others’ feelings. If they aren’t careful, INFJs and SJ types can work at changing each other too much, to the effect that they both feel unappreciated and let down. It is extremely important to balance out your functions and appreciate the other’s strengths. INFJs would do well to appreciate the SJ partner’s introverted sensing. Admire that they have such an incredible memory and such an eye for details. Learn about their functions and give them the appreciation they deserve. SJ types should appreciate the INFJs vivid insights, and genuine warmth, and generosity.
INFJs and Artisan (SP Types) in Relationships:
INFJs and SP types can have a lot of fun and excitement in their relationships. INFJs appreciate the SPs fun-loving, spontaneous nature. SP types usually have a strong physical presence and are full of action and energy, due to strong extraverted sensing. The INFJ can really appreciate this since their Se is inferior, and their partner can help them to strengthen their Se. In turn, SP types are often impressed by the INFJs strong use of intuition, an area where they are naturally weaker. INFJs love the playfulness, live-in-the-moment, laid-back style of the SPs. In turn, the SP types are inspired by the INFJs depth, passion, and insights. This often is an “opposites attract” type of relationship, where both partners admire the other’s strengths since it is usually an area of their own personal weakness. Someone with weak Se may admire someone with strong Se. Someone with weak Ni might admire someone with strong Ni, etc,..
Usually, the major problems with the SP/INFJ relationships have to do with the N/S difference. SP types often have little interest in talking about their “inner lives”, and would rather be doing something other than talking. While INFJs are abstract and theoretical, SPs are extremely concrete and practical. SPs, more than any other type, live completely in the moment. INFJs live with their thoughts always on the future. INFJs live in their heads, SPs live fully in their bodies – taking in every sensation and being very aware of external stimuli. For this reason, the SP can often see the INFJ as having their head in the clouds or being flighty and unrealistic. The INFJ, in turn, can see the SP type as not thinking deeply enough, or being too focused on the here-and-now without regard to the big picture.
I myself am married to an ESTP so I can tell you from experience that the SP/INFJ relationship can work really well. He is really laid back like SPs tend to be, and that helps me to be calmer and to take things more one day at a time. He is also an optimist (most SP types are) and I’m more of a pessimist, so he keeps me really balanced in that respect. He appreciates my insights and trusts them, and even though he’s a sensor we’ve been able to have some really in-depth discussions about abstract concepts. Being with him has definitely helped me to balance out my Ti and Se functions, and he’s developed more of his Ni and Fe. When we got married, I remember seeing all these charts that said the INFJ/ESTP relationship was a REALLY bad idea. While we’ve only been married for 3 years, I think I can say with relative certainty that we shouldn’t put all our faith into charts, or even compatibility articles or posts like this one! Each pairing is going to have its own unique pros and cons regardless of MBTI® type, and the key is to be understanding of each other and appreciate each other’s strengths, even if they’re very different from your own.
INFJs and Idealists (NF Types) in Relationships:
INFJs do exceptionally well with other idealists. While many types struggle with relationships within their own temperament, INFJs often find that true soulmate with another NF type. Two NF types together can find deep satisfaction because they are finally able to be with someone who truly understands them, which is usually such an elusive thing for an INFJ to find. They will enjoy sharing their inner worlds with each other and will take very good care of each other’s emotional needs. They usually have very intense, romantic, intimate relationships that may feel “too good to be true” many times.
Unfortunately, no relationship is without its struggles – and this definitely applies to the INFJ/NF relationship. An INFJ and another NF type can be so concerned with each other’s feelings that they risk invading each other’s personal space. INFJs are extremely independent and private, and so after a while, they can feel a need to get away and have some of their space back. They can have the same effect on the other NF type in the relationship. The other problem area is that they are both bound to be so intensely passionate about their visions and goals that they run the risk of tiring each other out. INFJs and other NFs are also not known for being particularly good with money and practical affairs, which can end up causing difficulties throughout their relationship.
Sometimes the differences that partners have can provide a balancing/relieving effect to each other. For example, a feeler is getting carried away with their emotions, and a thinker helps them to see things in a more rational way. A thinker is being too tactless in their relationships, so a feeler helps them to find ways to re-word things. Two types in a relationship who share the same temperament may end up “living in a bubble” and become too focused on a narrow perspective of life and how things should be done.
INFJs and Rationals (NT Types) in Relationships:
The INFJ/Rational match is considered by many MBTI experts to be the best pairing. In the rational partner, the INFJ can find someone who, like them, thinks in abstract terms, who sees the world of possibilities, ideas, and theoretical concepts. Yet, unlike another NF, the NT has a certain autonomy and calmness that the NF finds to be intriguing and relieving since INFJs can get so overwhelmed with their own soul-searching and intense emotions. The NT type will likely see in the INFJ a warmth, passion, and sincerity that they admire and desire. Conversely, for the NF type, they see the NT type as being intelligent, intellectually stimulating, and brimming with ideas that are inspirational and fascinating. These two types together can engage each other’s intuition and ideas and can be an unstoppable force for innovation and brilliance. David Kiersey says that the best match for the INFJ out of all 16 types is the ENTP. He says:
“The reserved and schedule-minded Counselors (INFJs), with their complex, mysterious, symbolic inner-worlds, tend to become trapped by introspection and tied in ethical knots, and they can be freed up considerably by the outgoing and probing Inventors (ENTPs). Counselors might also find great satisfaction in trying to help the non-conformist, sometimes even reckless Inventors find their soul and significance in the scheme of things.”
Of course, there are always potential problem areas for any pairing. With this duo, the problems mainly lie in the T/F difference. The INFJs firm belief in their intuition may exasperate the ever logical NT types. The INFJ may also feel that the NT type lacks sensitivity or depth of concern for humanitarian issues. The NT type may find the INFJ overly absorbed in their feelings or in other people’s feelings and may wish for more of a calm, steady partner at times. However, if both types work to stay balanced and healthy and try their best to understand each other, this pairing can be incredibly successful.
INFJ Strengths in Relationships:
– Good listeners
– Warm and empathetic
– Sincere and authentic
– Open-minded and imaginative
– Protective of their partner’s feelings
– Have very high expectations of themselves (both a strength and a weakness)
– Take their commitments seriously
– Excellent communication skills, particularly in writing.
INFJ Weaknesses in Relationships:
– Very private. They can keep part of themselves hidden.
– Detest conflict or criticism
– Not usually good with practical day-to-day matters or finances
– Can hold their partners and themselves to an unrealistic standard
– Can have a very hard time leaving a bad relationship
What are your thoughts?
Are you an INFJ with some insights into relationships and MBTI compatibility? Are you a different type with any thoughts? Let me know what you think in the comments! I’d love to hear from you.
Find out more about your personality type in our eBook, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type.
Sources:
I wouldn’t be able to get very far without the help of these AMAZING books and web pages. If you want to know more about the INFJ, the other MBTI® types, or relationships, check out the sources for this post.
Please Understand Me II by David Kiersey
Just Your Type – Create the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul D. Tieger
Personality Page – INFJ Relationships
Personality Junkie – INFJ Relationships (AWESOME web site!)
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Omg thank you so much for this! I just started dating an SJ and was so shocked because I’ve always dated ENTPs (the intellectual compatibility didn’t make up for all the other crap I went through with them) and no one talks about INFJs and SJ’s except to discourage it. But everything you talked about perfectly expresses how I feel about it. Love your post!
I am an INFJ. I have only experienced two relationships. I consider myself lucky that I didn’t have to suffer through the vulnerability of dating! In high school I dated an ENTP who also happened to be a narcissist. We were together for almost three years and it was horrible. He knew exactly how to take advantage of my Fe and did so freely. I was afraid of being without a boyfriend back then, and was drawn to his charisma and popularity. Being with him made me feel less weird, I think, as if someone so liked and popular liking me meant that I was “normal” and “approved”. Because of this “social security” I overlooked his cheating and manipulative ways. Luckily I went out of the country for college and was able to gain distance and perspective. I became strong and independent and grew more comfortable with myself. As I become stronger, he could tell and started panicking as he could no longer control me. It was an amazing feeling to break up with him. Anyway, this was all necessary for me to learn exactly what NOT to look for. I took the time to figure out what I did and didn’t want from a relationship and was happily on my own for about a year and a half when I opened my eye to the love of my life: my darling INTJ!
My INTJ and I met in college and were studying the same major (English Literature), so had actually known each other for a couple of years. Funnily enough, I didn’t like him at first because he had ALL the answers to everything and was very intimidating in discussions due to his Te. I hated being in groups with him because I always preferred (and still do) to think on things before sharing. However, one fateful night six years ago we found ourselves in a one-on-one conversation in the student bar. We connected on such an unreal level I had no idea where it was coming from! It was amazing, the only way we could describe it was “the sublime.” We still refer to our connection as something of the sublime, because it really feels like something larger than just us, somehow; a true meeting of the minds, perhaps. We spent the whole weekend together in our “Ni dominant island” (as previously stated by another commenter), and it was like coming home when I didn’t even know I had been away. We still have the most fascinating conversations, which I think are highlighted by our Te/Fe. He ruminates about the way technology, government, education, space travel, etc. will change over time, and then I do the same but put it into the context of how it will affect and be affected by society. There is no one else with whom I feel comfortable going so deep into the waters of thought. We also complement one another because I add compassion to his life and he adds steady rationality to mine. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and caught up in crazy worst-case-scenarios that are so “out there” and I don’t know how I got there, and he listens and then brings me back down to earth by applying more external logic to my thoughts. I’ve also been learning how to do this and it is such a weight off my chest (and mind!).
I could go on forever, really. I love your website. I’ve learned so much about myself and others, so thank you. And also, I do think that if the functions are balanced well, INFJ/INTJ are a fantastic pairing. And, as my future mother-in-law says, “A force to be reckoned with” 😀
Hi, I’m an INFJ in a relationship with an INTJ for 3 and a half years now.
I think we are a very good fit for all of the reasons that were already stated but I do struggle “accepting” his lack of tact and the fact that he is not able to understand my feelings and adjust his actions and words accordingly.
I must say I have embarked in this long and deep journey, last year, to find my true self and build a solid self esteem. His being so solid of course inspired me to do that, but also the fact that we were really hurting each other, me wanting more emotional intelligence from him and him refusing to even try was becoming unberable to me and I couldn’t understand what to do.
I’ve been better in the last months and realized how much pain I was inflicting on us and myself and we are better together now. Yet, I sometimes dwell on the fact that he’s still not that emotional intelligent person that I would love him to be… that would turn him into the perfect match.
I am struggling understanding what to do here because I truly love him. Before meeting him I’ve been single for 7 years, 6 of which being completely shut and the last one going throught that trial and error fase you mentioned. Than, I found him and jump right into it but I may not have been that developped and that brought up all of the worst in me. The thing that bothers me the most is his Fi and the fact that he’s not keen on understanding my Fe sometimes. Also, he’s not interested at all in self growth, at least not in the way I am and I fail to accept that as a sign of intelligence. So my demon Si comes to remind me of all the bad and fails to show me the small improvemets he has, in fact, made over the years.
I don’t know why I am telling you this, but I love your blog and I would like your opinion on this: do you think building more of my self esteem would actually help me feel less hurt when he’s being too blunt? Can this help me accept he is just not prone to apologise? How do I make this final step of not projecting myself onto him, expecting him to become someone he is not?
Love,
Marta
Hi Marta! Thank you so much for reading, and I’m so sorry that you are struggling with so many difficulties in the relationship! The NT/NF combination can be very difficult, especially with the Fi/age and Te/Ti differences. I want to research this pairing in depth before responding to your post. In fact, I think I will write a post (after I research) on the INFJ/INTJ pairing because that way if any others are struggling with the same issues it can help them all. I hope to have this done in the next 2-3 weeks. I definitely think both partners should work to try to understand each other, him of your feelings and you of his bluntness. But if only one of you is being understanding (it sounds like you are trying) and the other isn’t it can definitely breed resentment and bitterness. Keep an eye out for an INTJ/INFJ post and I will get to it as soon as I’ve got some good research to back it up! I wish you all the best.
Hi Susan, thank you so much for answering me!
Of course I will be looking forward to reading your article. At the same time, your answer prompted me an even deeper analysis of myself. In fact, I may be transferring onto him the disappointment and pain I’ve experience during my childhoold and adolescence for my parents not really getting me and my mother not picking up on my stimula and staying completely silent and ignoring me when I tried to antagonize her in order to get some kind of response.
So I’ve been talking with my psycologist about this and she made me think about it, and now I see this may be so true. The fact is that I am torn between wanting to be mature and accept people for who they are and the (perhaps undeveloped) deep desire of being understood completely, and accepted for who I am to the core. I think my INTJ boyfriend does accept me (although he always stresses what he doesn’t like about me, which at times helped me grow, for example in building more self esteem, in giving up the habit of smoking etc). Yet, sometimes he gets carried away in judging the whole of me, because he cannot really get all the Fe fuss. That’s mambojumbo for him.
What do you think is the most mature thing someone could do? Should I make peace with my adolescent self who was never really understood and felt unloved so that I can finally live the episodes of the next chapters of my life for what they are, devoid of the ghosts of the past?
Best,
Marta
Hi Marta,
I’m utterly baffled reading your post about your INTJ because I could have literally written every word myself.
I too am in a 3 year relationship with an INTJ, who I thought was the absolute love of my life almost immediately after meeting. But this has sadly descended though out the years into a spiral of pain and resentment, brought about by his complete lack of emotional intelligence and tact when it comes to me.
I find his Fi harsh, bitter and antagonistic, and we’re now sadly in a place where I worry the resentment is too great for us to be together for much longer.
I think the INTJ/INFJ is almost like the Trojan horse of MBTI relationships, the mutual Ni Se connection is mindblowing in a world where we feel equally alone and misunderstood – but the Te/Fe Fi/Ti difference after a while together becomes grating and damaging for both parties.
Although we approach the world in the same way, how we consequentially react to it and what we then put out into the world (whether that be emotional energy or physical action) is the antithesis of what the other would, so you end up unintentionally devaluing the other person.
This leads to confusion, resentment, disappointment and bitterness. But the worst part is you still love them, and probably always will.
I’m also married to an ISTP! Going on five years and we have a very similar experience to your description. He does get flustered by me needing to talk about negative situations sometimes because he feels like it will cause me to dwell on them. I assure him it’s necessary for me to process my emotions. He’s so easy going and just lets things go so easily. I agree, we have really balanced each other out. We both have a desire to explore the world and learn how to do everything, so it’s quite fun. I have helped him be more empathetic with others and he has helped me to stand up for myself. We both have a lot of artistic hobbies and I encourage him to think out of the box and he helps me to bring things into fruition. My little sister and best friend are ENFP’s, my “ideal” partner, and while I can express myself more easily with them, they are also the people who get under my skin the most at times, and bring out my INFJ rage. So I agree, can’t take a chart as absolute truth. I have never felt as deep a connection with another prospective mate as with my ISTP husband and my coworkers have asked us to start a hashtag for ourselves called “we ARE relationship goals” (which we will never do… haha). Don’t put too much weight on whether some chart says you’re compatible. We like to share these articles and the descriptions from Please Understand Me II to help us learn about each other and to improve our areas of weakness.
Great article! Thank you!
Hello! I am currently dating an ENFP and I wish I could share some observations with you but it’s a rather complicated situation. He is 7 years older than me and we come from very different backgrounds/cultures (I am expressive and emotional, he is colder and keeps things to himself).. also it’s a long distance relationship (we’ll be together soon, I hope), so all of these factors contribute somehow.
For me it’s good that we are spending time apart because I can have my alone time that way and at the same time we can communicate (texting, of course).. the problem is that he likes to talk a lot and prefers to speak on the phone which terrifies me especially because we speak different languages and I can’t improvise..
He had a very serious relationship that ended pretty bad while I haven’t had a real relationship until now.. So I am kind of naive and expect a lot. On the other hand he is more reserved and takes it easier which makes me question his feelings.
I have met his family and he knows mine, we spent a lot of time together, we are very happy when we can be really with each other but the distance makes everything so difficult.
Apart from that he is very optimistic, usually comes up with crazy ideas, he is funny and always tries to make me laugh. He is spontaneous, always trying new things and loves to travel. He is a musician, a psychologist and I can talk with him about everything. He is like my friend and what I cherish the most is that he opens up to me and shares his fears and insecurities with me. His mask fell off pretty soon after he saw that he can trust me.
So that’s my story.. in a few months I’ll be going to his country so I could start my master there and I hope it all goes well. I am rather impatient but I’ll work on that! 😀
Thanks for the post, I love it! ^_^
Hi Susan, I´m an ENTP (male) who fell in love with an INFJ, I´m not sure what she think´s about me
Could you tell me how win over her?
Good afternoon, I am a INFJ individual and if this helps I’d like to give you some advice.
First off, being an INFJ I love realness and rawness. Be honest, upfront and yourself when you’re around her. Show her who you are without forcing it upon her. Also, don’t lie. Telling lies shouldn’t be allowed in any relationship and especially not with an INFJ, we can tell if you’re being honest or not. Listen to her when she is speaking to you, knowing that our thoughts and emotions are being considered is a good start in the right direction. It is crucial that you be patient with her, being an INFJ we are extremily private individuals and wont open up unless we feel safe and completely comfortable with someone. So if she opens up to you, I assure you’re doing a good job. Good luck and the best for both of you.
I’m married to an ISTP too! Ten years and counting, and it has only gotten more fun/wonderful/exciting/and amazing the longer we’ve been married. We learn from each other constantly and help each other grow. My husband is so calm and laid back, which is great for this spazzy INFJ. He helps me stay advenurous, though he’s learned to respect when I truly cannot. (Can’t go mountain biking anymore, nope. I detach from my Se in really high adrenaline activities and then accidents happen. Yay.) He’s learned empathy from me. Neither of us are great at staying on the day-to-day tasks, but we try. 🙂 We challenge each other and are equally dominant, which is fab. I do not want to be the dominant partner. I had that once, and it was boring.
I think I’ve always preferred T types. I dated one Feeler (pretty sure ESFJ) and I couldn’t stand being the more emotionally stable one in the relationship. It was too much pressure! Thinkers keep me grounded and help me when I freak out, but as the logical-Feeler INFJ, I really appreciate their T qualities.
I think that the ideal humanism of the INFJ is not a problem for an ISTP if it doesn’t concretely enter into the couple or the family.
I too am an INFJ! This has been quite a journey for me, truly understanding myself and past relationships, etc. I believe it was said best in the opening of the article, all we truly desire and want is for our partner to place every effort within their being to understand us the same as the effort we place on understanding them in the relationship thus confirming some of the reasons of being called a perfectionist and high maintenance in standards. This is the most honest, real, raw, authentic article I’ve read over the years. It’s very true no real relationship can be sized up by a chart but it does help to dive off the deep end of understanding/accepting yourself so as to recognize and relay what you need in your partner. Still INFJ are highly mysterious and misunderstood even in simple form. Yes I enjoy communicating via written but will talk as well but of course it’s always on a deeper level then my past partners could understand or care to. The true to heart explanation of our emotions, having someone decipher and understand that most times we’re feeling our emotions and many others or theirs, but are quickly blown off as too sensitive or emotional was so on point. I believe the self wounds of finances stem from emotional crisis. Whether you put yourself there,or facing the domino effects of others placing you there, the impact of dealing with it feels like your brain/emotions are having a heart attack definitely resulting in financial consequences vs seeking ways to combat the tendency or being proactive once you sense your emotions are on cloud high. I can appreciate the contradicting side of our personality knowing many vow to stay single or others like myself have trial and error through hurt and pain in relationships; concrete in knowing what you can bring to a relationship and want, how serious you take it, but end up dancing with the illusion surface traits of a partner vs. the true compatibility of both that can only be determined through honesty, both desiring to do the work, and earnest effort. So I won’t say I’ve thrown the towel in on love but I’m very conscious of taking more time, the depths to knowing self are endless, and as the previous comments noted, that inside flame, outer universe experience that I’ll recognize one day will come for me. But now my high comes from enjoying the peace of mind of life, loving my true family/friends and embracing my journey as a writer. It’s fulfilling and all the “in my head” thoughts can be expressed often sparking conversations somewhere unbeknownst to me! Humor is everywhere if we look for it! Once again epic article, thanks so much I truly enjoyed it!!