INTJs and Relationships with Other Personality Types

Are you an INTJ wondering what kinds of relationships will really be satisfying? I don’t consider myself a relationship expert, but one topic that continually comes up with personality research is the topic of compatibility. Thanks to books like Please Understand Me, Just Your Type, and endless other resources I’ve been able to access some really insightful information on types and compatibility. I’ve also recently conducted many surveys about the personality types and how they feel about the love languages, affection, and more. I’ll put some resources and references at the end of this post for anyone interested. Now let’s get started!

Not sure what your personality type is? Take our new personality questionnaire here. Or you can take the official MBTI® here.

INTJs are true perfectionists, and so they take their relationships very seriously. Finding the right person is important to them because once they make the decision to commit to a relationship they are usually very loyal and devoted partners. They believe in constantly improving their relationship and always strive to bring their very best to the table. A relationship with an INTJ is bound to be intellectually stimulating, exciting, and intense. INTJs have a natural self-confidence and depth that many people find attractive and intriguing. They usually make very good listeners and can encourage other types to pursue their dreams and visions.

What INTJs Need in Romance

 

INTJs usually have thought carefully about what they want in a relationship. They aren’t usually interested in flings or one-night-stands but are looking for something that will last a lifetime. Usually, before they embark on a relationship they will have carefully ensured that the person fits certain criteria so that they don’t waste their time (or anyone else’s). They’re not likely to “fall in love” in a heat of passion or spur-of-the-moment feelings. While they can be extremely romantic, it takes time for them to feel safe enough to divulge their feelings. If you’re in a relationship with an INTJ, you can take comfort in knowing that they probably thought very long and hard about the relationship before pursuing it; and once they have decided on a partner, they are unlikely to have a change of mind.

10 Things INTJs Need in a Relationship:

1. Intellectual Stimulation
   INTJs need someone they can have thought-provoking conversations with. Boring small talk? Not their thing. They want to explore patterns, possibilities, the meaning of life, and what is significant from a meta perspective.
2. Autonomy
   INTJs need space to explore their own inner worlds and interests. Feeling controlled, watched, or constantly inundated with talk can be overwhelming for them and make them run for the exits.
3. Honesty
   These types don’t have time for sugar-coating or half-truths. They respect straightforward communication, even when it’s blunt. Bonus points if you can be blunt and also kind-hearted.
4. Authenticity (No Holds Barred)
   INTJs need someone who’s real with them—no feigning or games. They can spot phoniness a mile away and want a partner who’s genuinely themselves. If you’re someone who likes to play games, manipulate, or act coy, you’ll be disappointed. Time is something INTJs see as deeply important and they hate wasting it on false people and pretenses.
5. Curiosity
   A curious mind attracts an INTJ like a magnet. They love partners who ask questions, challenge assumptions, and have a thirst for knowledge. If you lack curiosity about the world around you and the universe itself, you might seem under-stimulating to an INTJ.
6. A Clear Vision for the Future
   INTJs are future-focused, always planning ahead. A relationship that lacks a clear definition or vision might seem stressful or confusing to them. Be clear about what you’re looking for, what you want, and don’t be wishy-washy if you can help it.
7. Depth
   Surface-level relationships won’t satisfy an INTJ. They seek depth in conversations, emotional connections, and life experiences.
8. Someone Who Listens Actively
   When it comes to their feelings, INTJs tend to be fairly guarded. In fact, in a recent survey I conducted, 70.33% of INTJs said it’s not easy for them to share their feelings. Because of this, it’s especially important for them to have someone in a relationship who really listens when they do try to speak.
9. Understanding
   INTJs often feel misunderstood. They are a rare personality type, making up only 2.6% of the national population. People often misconstrue their reserved, logical nature as being cold-hearted or mean-spirited. One INTJ in my survey said, “I feel that my need for alone time is seen as not caring enough or liking someone enough.” It is important for INTJs to be with someone who sees them for who they really are rather than judging them based on their introversion or more blunt, logical nature.
10. Dependability
    If you say you’re going to do something, do it. People who are unreliable or don’t follow through on their obligations seem sketchy to INTJs and they’ll keep their distance.

INTJs and Defenders (SJ types) in Relationships:

Defenders usually think very highly of INTJs and admire their hard work and serious, intellectual nature. They can often provide a happy balance to an INTJs life with their practical, feet-on-the-ground mentality. They both respect each other’s schedules and plans and like to have things organized. SJs are attracted to the INTJs intellectual intensity, depth, and creative and unique way of looking at the world. With the feeling SJ types, NTs admire their gentleness and compassion, as well as their warmth and loyalty. With thinking SJ types, INTJs will admire their practicality, logic, and effectiveness at getting things done.

Problems can arise when INTJs get frustrated with the SJs love of convention. INTJs are extremely independent and constantly want to evolve and expand their idea of the world. SJs like the familiar and their own specific traditions, and will have a hard time understanding what they may see as strange, non-conformist ideas. INTJs also don’t have a strong need for tradition and social niceties; whereas SJ types are often very aware of traditions and social standards.

INTJs and SJs have different communication styles due to their N/S preferences. This is usually the greatest problem for their relationships. SJ types are extremely realistic, literal, and down-to-earth. In contrast, INTJs are abstract, complex, and visionary and they can both get frustrated with each other’s different ways of thinking. SJ types will often want to just get down to reality and focus on what they know through experience. In contrast, INTJs may see the SJ types as being “boring” and unimaginative. Neither is true for either type, but this can be a serious problem in their relationships.

Feeling SJ types can feel abandoned or unaffirmed in their relationship with the private, blunt INTJ. Feeling SJ types crave affirmation and sensitivity, and may feel confused and insecure if the INTJ doesn’t work to affirm their feelings or seems too distant. INTJs may feel overburdened by the ESFJ or ISFJ’s need for what they see as “constant” affirmation. They can also find Feeling-Judging types to be too focused on social expectations and what other people want and not as in touch with what they personally want, need, or feel. This can show up in parenting relationship struggles, where the Feeling-Judging type wants to teach the kids a lot of social protocol and tact, whereas the INTJ wants to teach questioning, skepticism, and directness.

All this said, an INTJ and an SJ type can have a happy and fulfilling relationship. The key is to being well-rounded and being understanding of each other’s needs.

INTJs and Adventurers (SP types) in Relationships:

Adventurers admire the INTJs penchant for effective action and their non-conventional style and attitude. They can also help the naturally serious INTJ to lighten up and enjoy life “in the moment.” For the Sensing-Perceiver, life is about experiencing in a heightened, sensory-rich way. In turn, they bring fun, laughs, and adventure to the relationship. INTJs and SPs are often initially attracted to each other because of their many differences. The SPs admire the INTJs ability to forecast future trends, and the INTJs admire the SPs friendly, energetic nature. INTJs can help the SP type see past the present moment and take an interest in the bigger picture. SPs can help INTJs to loosen up and enjoy what is happening all around them, right now.

Problems arise most often because of the S/N difference in these types. INTJs live in their heads, whereas SP types live in their entire bodies. INTJs look towards the future whereas SPs live in the here-and-now. SPs are bored easily by long theoretical discussions and abstract ideas. INTJs get overwhelmed by the SP’s constant need for excitement and stimulation. INTJs want the SP types to explore future ideas and plans together, and the SP types want to just get done talking and “do” something. SPs are action-oriented and realistic; they don’t enjoy sitting around and mulling things over or theorizing about a distant future. What matters to them is what’s happening right now. SP types also tend to be more spontaneous and start projects without finishing them which can bother the effective-minded INTJ. INTJs like organization and planning, and can find spontaneous changes disruptive and stressful. However, sometimes the excitable, spontaneous nature of the SP type can be a breath of fresh air for the INTJ.

Find out more: INTJs and Their Compatibility with Each Myers-Briggs Personality Type

INTJs and Investigators (NT types) in Relationships:

 

INTJs will obviously have a natural affinity to other NT types. They’ll enjoy talking about the same types of theories and topics and will both enjoy similar activities and interests. Different NT types will value different things, but in general NT types will always enjoy the INTJs intelligence, competence, and ambition. Because they are both logical and straightforward, an NT/NT pairing is usually very amicable. They will rarely hurt each other’s feelings because they don’t need as much “fluff” or sugarcoating when they try to communicate. Conversation will be filled with discussion about concepts, theories, visions, metaphors, and meaning.

Because NT/NT relationships have many of the same strengths; they will also share many similar weaknesses. If an INTJ is with an ENTJ, they will both be so perfectionistic that they may drive each other crazy. An INTJ relationship with another NT type might also lack the warmth and depth of feeling that an INTJ craves. Most people long for a type of opposite to balance themselves out, and this is no different for the INTJ. NT types are also very stubborn, and if they get into a heated argument about something, neither type may be willing to back down and admit their mistake. They are also both very private and may have a hard time forming a close, deeply intimate bond. Overall, this relationship could make for a great friendship; but a romantic relationship is usually a little trickier. Of course, just like any other pairing, this relationship can work if both people are well-rounded and generous.

INTJs and Dreamers (NF types) in Relationships:

 

INTJs and NF “Dreamers” usually have a very deep attraction to each other. They share a strong mutual interest in abstract ideas, theories, and meanings. NFs admire the INTJs ability to focus and create genius strategies. INTJs admire the Idealist’s depth of feeling, insight, and personal warmth. These contrasting types make great sounding boards for each other’s ideas, each offering a unique perspective that can broaden each type’s worldview. INTJs help NFs to be more logical and strategic while NF types help the INTJ to get in touch with their introverted feeling and explore their values and emotions with more clarity.

Frustrations arise in this pairing when the INTJs blunt, straightforward manner unintentionally offends the NF type. NFs are very sensitive and crave harmony. More than any other type, the NF type wants a “soulmate.” So the INTJs private nature and logical mindset may seem un-affirming to the NF type, leaving the NF partner feeling insecure and unsatisfied. Also, the INTJ may feel overwhelmed by the Idealist’s desire for the “perfect” soulmate and may feel overburdened by trying to meet their partner’s emotional needs.

If these types try to understand each other and work to develop all their functions, they can enjoy a very deep, meaningful, happy relationship.

INTJ Strengths in Relationships

• Usually self-confident
• Honest and authentic
• Often intelligent and capable
• Usually active, thoughtful listeners
• Always searching to improve and “optimize” their relationship
• Deeply committed and loyal
• Helpful in creating strategies, plans, and solutions
• Provide their partner with independence and freedom
• Encourage their partner’s goals and autonomy

INTJ Weaknesses in Relationships

• May struggle to be in tune with other people’s feelings
• Prone to being blunt or insensitive
• When unhealthy, may be emotionally unsupportive
• Can be stubborn and believe that they’re “always right”
• May be intensely private and hold back part of themselves from their partner
• Their perfectionism can make the relationship taxing on their partner

What Are Your Thoughts?

INTJs can find happiness with any of the Myers-Briggs® types, so please don’t take these thoughts as indications to leave a relationship. I greatly believe that any two types can be happy together as long as they work to understand each other and develop all their cognitive functions.

Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type,  The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic,  The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer, and The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!

Other Articles You Might Enjoy:

The INTJ Woman: Joys and Challenges

7 Extremely Annoying Challenges INTJs Face Regularly

Resources:

Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates (Prometheus Nemesis Book Company, 1984)
Just Your Type by Paul D. Tieger & Barbara Barron-Tieger ‎ (Little, Brown and Company, January 14, 2000)
Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type by Isabel Briggs Myers and Peter B. Myers (CPP, INC. 1995)

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