Get an in-depth look at the preferred love languages of the #INTJ personality type. #MBTI #Personality

The INTJ and the 5 Love Languages

Have you ever wondered what your INTJ personality type can tell you about your relationships?

I usually advise people not to rely on Myers-Briggs® types as a guide for relationships, whether they’re romantic or friendly. The simple truth is that two people of any personality type can make a relationship work if they’re willing to put in the effort. A mutual willingness to understand each other and work on becoming a healthy version of your own type is a much better predictor of a good relationship than what your personality types are.

One thing that Myers-Briggs® theory is good for in relationships is to help you better understand yourself and the person you’re with (and for them to understand you). In that sense, it’s similar to another tool called The Five Love Languages. The theory of love languages was first published by Gary Chapman, a relationship counselor and pastor. He says every person has one or more favorite “languages” that they use to communicate and receive love.

Much like learning about personality types can help you understand yourself and others better, learning about yours and other’s love languages helps you understand each other and improve communication. Love language preferences are often talked about in romantic relationships, but they also affect other relationships like friendships and parent-child relationships. Speaking the love languages of people you care about in ways appropriate to your type of relationship is a key strategy for strengthening your connection and building trust.

Not sure what your personality type is? Take our new personality questionnaire here. Or you can take the official MBTI® here.

Connecting Type and Love Language

It’s not all that surprising that your Myers-Briggs® type would influence which love language you prefer. Your INTJ personality type describes how your mind works, and your love language is partly a result of that. That doesn’t mean every INTJ likes to give and receive love in the exact same ways, however.

Even people who share a personality have different backgrounds and preferences that make them unique individuals. Two INTJs can have completely different love language preferences. That being said, there are some trends we can talk about. We can also look at how being an INTJ influences the ways you use each of the five different love languages.

Our personality type’s preferred function for interacting with the outer world also influences how we love. That’s something Personality Hacker points out in their article “How Does Each Personality Type Ask, ‘Do You Love Me?’” I highly recommend reading it if this topic interests you.

INTJs use Extroverted Thinking to interact with the outer world. They naturally say “I love you” by giving their loved one unwavering loyalty, learning about them, taking pride in their accomplishments, protecting them, and deliberately choosing them. INTJs tend to want others to show them love by providing them with loyalty, supporting their goals, being able to reliably handle things, and making the INTJ’s life easier.

INTJs’ Two Favorite Love Languages

There are five different love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, or Physical Touch. From what I’ve seen online and the INTJs I’ve talked with, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch are the languages most often talked about as being their favorites. My INTJ sister, for example, places an enormously high value on Quality Time.

These assumptions are also supported by a survey conducted by Heidi Priebe. According to Priebe’s survey, 38.39% of INTJs list “Quality Time” as their preferred love language. This is followed by Acts of Service (23.22%), Physical Touch (17.65%), Words of Affirmation (14.86%), and Gifts (5.88%).

Quality Time is enormously important to many INTJs. They tend to be people who are deeply loyal and who place a high value on deep, meaningful conversations. As introverts, INTJs also have a limited amount of social energy. If they choose to spend time with someone, you can bet that means they care deeply about them. Reciprocating that love language by spending quality time with an INTJ and taking the time to really listen to, understand, and be there for them is incredibly meaningful.

INTJs are often more focused on actions than on words. Most are not naturally the sort of people to provide constant verbal reassurance of their love and affection. They chose you, and that’s all there is to it. For many INTJs, Acts of Service is a comfortable way for them to prove that they’re attentive to your needs and capable of supporting you. And for INTJs with Acts of Service as their favorite love language, they’ll also place a high value on receiving that sort of attentive support from their loved ones.

INTJs and The Other Love Languages

Seeing Physical Touch ranked highly by this personality type might come as a surprise to those who think INTJs aren’t a “touchy-feely” type. However, much like Acts of Service, Physical Touch is a way for INTJs to show and receive love without needing to use words. Many INTJs are wary of touch, particularly from people they don’t know well, and you probably won’t find them casually reaching out to people. However, with those they care about, many INTJs find that touch is a particularly meaningful way to express love.

For some INTJs, Words of Affirmation are the most meaningful way to show and receive love. They just can’t be empty words (INTJs are quick to detect lies, manipulation, and bullshit). Specific, meaningful words that show you took the time to understand the INTJ, recognize who they are, and value what they’ve accomplished are the sort of things that really matter.

I wasn’t surprised to see Gifts ranked last for INTJs. For many INTJs, gifts are viewed as an obligation to give something in return, or as a suspicious attempt to manipulate the INTJ. However, when we’re talking about Gifts as a love language it’s not referring to random Gifts from strangers and acquaintances or empty gifts that show up on specific times of the year. It’s about meaningful tokens of affection from someone you love that show they were thinking about you. For INTJs with Gifts as their favorite love language, giving and receiving meaningful gifts (especially on days when you’re not socially obligated to give a gift) can be a wonderful way of expressing affection.

Your Turn

If you’re an INTJ, I’d love to hear which of the love languages you identify with most. If you’ve never taken a love languages test, you can click here for the official quiz. It’s free on Gary Chapman’s website. You can also get Susan Storm’s eBook about the INTJ personality type: The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist

About the Author:

Marissa Baker #MBTI Blogger

Marissa Baker is the author of The INFJ Handbook (available in the Amazon Kindle Store). You can find her online at where she blogs about personal growth and development from a Christian perspective.

Get an in-depth look at the preferred love languages of the #INTJ personality type. #MBTI #Personality

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  1. I am rare as an intj as gifts are my number one way of feeling loved. But agree fully that it is meaningful gifts, or gifts that are acknowledging the giver knows me well. So strongly are gifts for me that giving time to debate and theorize with me is a great treat.
    I know some will consider this quality time or acts of service but I have always felt it a gift of time and get the same feeling of value as a gift showing knowledge of who I am.

    But this is a great article and helps me to see why certain gifts feel shallow and others, like a pinwheel cookie, are only understood by those who truly know me and are great ways to show love.

  2. For me as an INTJ and someone with gifts as their love language I can say that I agree that when someone gives me something I immediately suspicious about the whole thing, but I also like giving people I care about things because for me it’s showing that I’m willing to go out of my way for them.

  3. INTJ – Acts of Service is my no 1, followed closely by Quality Time and then the order is words of affirmation, physical touch and gifts (though I do like a thoughtful gift, unlike my ESTJ husband who is not a gifts person at all

  4. I am an INTJ and I can definitely say that this article has been accurate. Personally, I prefer quality time, words of affirmations and meaningful gifts once in a while.

  5. I’m an INTJ and my INFJ S.O. (male), just said “I need your help” out of nowhere for something so simple, which he could probably solve on his own. I guess he was trying to connect with me via my type of love language. Or Idk, maybe he just needs help lol. Eitherway, I’m here and I fully agree with this article.

    1. I’m an INTJ and prefer quality time as my number one love language. If you want to be around me, it stands to reason you love me. Second is physical touch, but please respect if I don’t want to be touched.

  6. INTJ female here! I can never figure out if someone loves/ likes me or not, as I am quite oblivious in subjective relationships, but can quickly suss out other people’s relationships with eachother. Because of that, I need someone to tell me what their angle is, so words of affirmation might be mine. For me, acts of service can just be kindness, not love, physical touch is a tad invasive, and gifts feel like an obligation. I like quality time with certain individuals, but I need someone to tell me what they feel, or I’ll never know.

  7. I am an INTJ female (Scorpio) who after reading this definitely identifies with your findings. I did misunderstand where I fell in on the 5 love languages until reading this and realized how well it clicked. I’m always telling my husband that I don’t care what he says it’s what he does, that it’s about his actions. His type being INFP(Aries)(IN and also being a rare type between 2-4% makes things rewarding yet challenging. It wasn’t until we did the personality tests that we understood each other’s workings a bit more. We still have much work to do in our discovery, your article being one of them. Thank you for your article and insight!
    Ps Threw the zodiac in there as we have also determined how it may play a role in our personality and learning the shadow functions ENTP and his ENFJ.

  8. I agree quality time is my number one love language. Affirmation / service are equally important and I can’t choose one over the other. I only realised how much I actually benefit from physical touch when I stopped to consider how many times I give my mom a hug or stroke my dogs’ fur. It’s very comforting but I only need it in small doses. I am not great at attending to too many things at once, I do like to maintain some stability in routines, and making gifts for people is always fun (especially when I have learned what their favourite things are and incorporated that into said gift).

    1. I am an INTJ male. I was asked about my love language today and although I had heard of the book and probably have it sitting in my personal library I still hadn’t gotten around to reading it. Looked up the quiz and started taking it. I don’t think I made it 1/3 through the questions and I quit because too often I just didn’t see either of the comparative questions presented as being relevant to me. I’m also not one to get all mushy with the love thing so when I read the suggestions they gave the cringe factor was real. So I changed my search and came across this article and I have to say it is pretty accurate for myself. Both acts of kindness and quality time would rank higher for me but also understanding what that looks like for me being so focused on my goals acts of kindness can be something so mundane like making my lunch everyday for work. I can be so occupied with whatever I’m working on the world can fall out around me just so long as I can get to the bottom of what’s in front of me. It’s nice to have someone who can control the chaos at surface level. I also appreciate quality time like deep discussions, but it is a very on and off thing for me. Words of affirmation gets really weird. Unless your expressing appreciation for my work or are seeeking or often in the case of my clients asking my advice it is always a rewarding when I see someone actually value what I have to say and follow through with it. Not a fan of gifts–awkward. Rarely is it something I actually need and I often go through to get rid of stuff I think is cluttering my life for more than it’s worth. Best thing when it comes to gifts is if it is a consumable of something I aleady need. At Christmas time it’s nice to know you can go for another year without having to buy socks again.

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