10 Things You Should Never Say to an ENFJ

ENFJs put a lot of consideration and empathy in their relationships with people. They are almost always conscientious, enthusiastic, and warm. They work hard to ensure that all their friends and family members feel listened to, cared for, and understood. Sometimes their charisma and friendliness aren’t returned, or it’s misunderstood by other types. Harsh words can be spoken and these words can hurt the ENFJ very deeply.

So what should you never say to an ENFJ? Certain phrases everyone hates to hear. “Calm down”, “Relax”, or “You’re Being Too Sensitive” will drive anyone crazy.  So we won’t include those on this list because those are universally hated. Let’s take a look at which phrases specifically infuriate the ENFJ.

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1. “Stop Being So Dramatic!”

ENFJs are naturally expressive and exuberant individuals. Their emotions are easily readable on their faces, and they feel things very deeply. They often seem very animated and lively, and other types can mistake their natural charisma for being overly-dramatic or attention-seeking. Being told to stop being so “dramatic” can make the ENFJ feel misunderstood and frustrated.

2. “You’re Too Intense”

This goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. ENFJs get tired of being told to “calm down” or otherwise seem less “ENFJ” than they are. Extraverted Feeling (Fe) and Introverted Intuition (Ni) are an intense combination of functions. Fe makes them highly adept at understanding other people’s emotions, and Ni gives them an intensity and insight into where situations could lead in the future. Being intense/expressive/animated is just part of who they are.

3. “I’m Disappointed in You”

ENFJs care deeply about making a good impression on the people in their lives. This doesn’t mean they are “show-offs”, but they want to meet everyone’s needs and make sure everyone is happy and cared for. Being told that someone is disappointed in them is a crushing experience for them because they have such high expectations for themselves when it comes to taking care of other people.

4. “Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Can You Hurry It Up?”

ENFJs like to fully flesh out their ideas before moving on to another topic. People who impatiently rush them through a sentence or story may cause them to shut down and feel stifled or embarrassed.

5. “Get Over It”

ENFJs need time to recover from harsh words, bullying, or hurt. They tend to take things personally and may need extra time to process how they feel about what happened. They can’t simply put their pain in a box and ignore it or pretend it never happened, even if they’d like to.

6. “You’re So Selfish”

Telling an ENFJ they are selfish is tantamount to telling an ENTJ they’re too immersed in their feelings (a big no-no). ENFJs are wired to think about people outside themselves, to relate to, understand, and communicate effectively with them. Anyone can be selfish, but some people accuse the ENFJ of being selfish simply to get more out of them or to put them on a guilt trip. They know that these are the exact words that will hurt them the most because ENFJs obviously care about people and what they think of them. If you’re using this line to manipulate an ENFJ, think twice. It could cause very real harm.

7. “Sorry I Didn’t Show Up”

ENFJs really look forward to spending time with the people they care about. They are very committed to their plans and to being there for people, and they feel hurt when others don’t show them this same consideration. People who don’t show up to planned meetings, who shirk responsibilities, or otherwise act like the ENFJ’s time isn’t valuable will end up frustrating them greatly.

8. “You’re So Fake”

I wrote a whole blog article about this misconception. Because ENFJs have dominant Extraverted Feeling (Fe) they tend to be expressive, affectionate, and find common values with other people. They love to make people feel happy and understood. Some types (usually thinking types or Fi-users) are suspicious of dominant Fe as being “fake” or “manipulative”. While unhealthy ENFJs can be fake or manipulative, the majority are not and feel extremely hurt by the accusation.

9. “It’s Not That Big of a Deal”

Belittling the causes that the ENFJ cares about or feels passionately for never goes well. Their feelings or their focus may not seem important to everyone, but that doesn’t make them any less real.

10. “I’ll Get Around to It Eventually”

A lot of ENFJ type descriptions focus on their warmth and empathy, but ignore their determination and goal-oriented nature. ENFJs are very focused and planful and feel frustrated when they’re not sure if they can count on someone or if a timeline isn’t clear. They like to know when they can expect something to happen and if they can count on people to follow through on their word. Procrastination and lack of planning can cause them a lot of stress.

The ENFJ and Stress

What Do You Think?

Do these phrases bother you? Do you have any others to add? Let me know in the comments!

Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type or The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!

Other Articles You Might Enjoy

How ENFJs Handle Conflict

Understanding ENFJ Feeling

ENFJs, INFJs and Empathy Burnout

How the ENFJ Reacts to Stress (infographic)

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