An In-Depth Look at The INFJ and ISTJ Relationship
The INFJ and ISTJ relationship is one that is relatively rare, but I’ve had several requests for an article about this pairing so I thought I’d make an effort to write something helpful about it! When it comes to type and relationships, literally ANY pairing can be successful…OR a trainwreck depending on how open-minded and respectful each partner is of the other. When you respect each other’s differences instead of seeing them as negatives, then there is huge potential for growth and happiness in relationships where there is very little type-preference in common!
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What INFJs and ISTJs Have in Common:
From a purely dichotomies standpoint, INFJs and ISTJs share two preferences; one for introversion and one for judging. This definitely helps their relationship in two different ways!
- INFJs and ISTJs both value their alone time and privacy. They will both understand the other’s need for quiet solitude and space to recharge. They are unlikely to pressure each other into attending lots of social engagements and will both give each other space.
- As judging types, INFJs and ISTJs both like to have closure on major decisions. They tend to take their relationships seriously and are (usually) more fond of long-term serious relationships than casual flings. They tend to like having relatively structured lives and having a plan and schedule for their days.
The Benefits of This Relationship:
INFJs and ISTJs are both very loyal individuals. They are willing to go the extra mile for their partners and are willing to overlook minor issues and annoyances for the sake of their long-term happiness. The ISTJ is down-to-earth and responsible, and the INFJ finds this quality comforting and stabilizing. The INFJ is visionary and future-focused, a quality that is intriguing to many ISTJs. Together, ISTJs can inspire the INFJ to not lose track of current needs and practical realities while the INFJ can inspire the ISTJ to see the big picture and new, profound ideas for the future.
ISTJs and INFJs both enjoy quiet intimacy and the “little things” that make relationships special. Whether it’s curling up on the couch with a good book together or walking through the woods at dawn, each type enjoys those little, quiet moments that can create deeper bonds and friendship. The INFJ is often impressed by the ISTJ’s attention to detail and storehouse of facts and data. Their awareness of facts, practical realism and sense of objective logic and fairness is impressive to INFJs. ISTJs are impressed by the INFJs depth of vision, insight into future implications, and strong empathy. They find themselves drawn to the INFJ’s warmth and imagination.
Together, this couple can help to strengthen each other’s weaknesses and, if they’re willing to be open-minded of each other’s different viewpoints, they can make more balanced decisions because they both have something that the other lacks.
The Struggles in This Relationship:
INFJs and ISTJs share zero of the same primary cognitive functions (their most preferred functions). As a result, they are more likely to make projections about each other and misread or misunderstand the other’s motives and intentions. Knowledge of personality type can really help this pair to understand and respect each other’s differences rather than see those differences as simply “wrong”.
The INFJ’s weakest functions are the ISTJ’s most preferred, and the ISTJ’s weakest functions are the INFJ’s most preferred. This can be a breeding ground for discontentment at times. The INFJ has to use Introverted Intuition to reach a mental “flow” state and the ISTJ has to use Introverted Sensing to reach that same relaxed, contented state. Neither is very capable of tuning into the other’s flow state or preferred information-gathering process, so they can both feel a little bored at times when their partner, in contrast, is quite excited about something.
When an INFJ wants to have a conversation, they will typically veer towards theoretical, abstract subjects and question traditions and pre-established rules. The ISTJ, in contrast, will focus more on practical realities and will value tried-and-true methods and empirical evidence/facts. They can find themselves under-stimulated in conversation because both are trying to veer into a territory that the other naturally distrusts. Introverted Intuition is the ISTJ’s “demon” or 8th function, and so they are likely to see Ni “epiphanies” as completely untrustworthy or without merit. Introverted Sensing, the ISTJ’s dominant function, is the INFJ’s “demon” or 8th function, and so the INFJ is likely to see Si impressions as debatable and untrustworthy. This can cause a lot of arguments and misunderstandings in their relationships, especially as both are quite certain of their opinions and tend to be on the stubborn side.
Ni (the INFJ’s dominant function) is quite certain about its insights and predictions and how current events will change/affect the future.
Si (the ISTJ’s dominant function) is quite certain about its own personal experience and how that knowledge through experience will change/affect the future.
Ni tends to distrust Si’s personal experience because it sees it as highly subjective, and Si tends to distrust Ni epiphanies and insights because it sees them as highly abstract and ungrounded in reality.
Struggles in Decision-Making
Similarly, when making decisions both types value completely different mental processes. The INFJ will mainly decide using Extraverted Feeling (Fe). They will tune into the emotional needs of others and attempt to maintain harmony when they decide. In contrast, the ISTJ will tune into Extraverted Thinking (Te) and assess the logical facts and realities when they decide. The ISTJ can risk seeing demonstrations of Fe as manipulative or overbearing because Fe is his “trickster” or 7th function. The INFJ can also risk seeing demonstrations of Te as forceful or overbearing because this is their “trickster” or 7th function. They can both struggle to reach agreements because the criteria they value when they decide is so different and tends to be naturally opposed.
Turning the Weaknesses Into Strengths:
The potential pitfalls we’ve just discussed for this relationship are not signs that this relationship is doomed, however! If these two types can work to respect the other’s strengths and avoid projecting negative qualities onto their partner’s abilities then there is huge potential for growth! Whenever you have two very different personalities who learn to work together those two people can grow in ways that two similar personalities never would!
For example, when it’s time to make a decision if the ISTJ and INFJ both respect each other’s feelings and thinking modes and listen open-mindedly to their perceptions, they can make extremely balanced decisions and are less likely to have biases and narrow-minded views. Two types who are extremely similar might get wrapped up in their own “bubble” and never learn to see outside of their own perceptions. This is why it’s usually extremely helpful for INFJs and ISTJs to learn about type and to learn about the cognitive functions so that they can “step in” to their partner’s shoes and appreciate their insights and viewpoints.
When it comes to conversation, INFJs and ISTJs can enjoy meaningful topics. INFJs enjoy figuring people out and learning about where they came from, and ISTJs who are comfortable in their relationship are often good at sharing stories from their past and meaningful moments they’ve experienced throughout their lives. Together they can enjoy recalling experiences that were meaningful to them, although INFJs tend to be a little less on the nostalgic side than ISTJs. ISTJs and INFJs can also find ways to combine interests so that they can have very stimulating conversations and moments. For example, if the ISTJ likes gardening and the INFJ enjoys reading poetry, they can sit outside and garden while reading poetry. There are a lot of ways to creatively come up with activities that will stimulate both partners’ natural desires and interests. As both partners get older they also develop their sensing and intuitive functions more and more. In their 50’s and onward, INFJs become more fond of sensing activities, and ISTJs become more fascinated by intuitive subjects.
Another area where this couple can thrive is in working towards a shared goal or vision. INFJs and ISTJs are both goal-oriented individuals and so if they have a common dream or ambition to work towards they often make a great team. INFJs are good at getting a clear idea and strategizing the best way to get there, while ISTJs are excellent at troubleshooting, creating efficient plans, and keeping track of the practical realities involved.
Summing it all up…
I’ve seen many happy INFJ/ISTJ couples and while this relationship may not be as “simple” as many other pairings, it has a lot of potential for personal growth and development. As long as both parties are interested and curious about each other and willing to see things from the other’s perspective they can both broaden their view of the world in profound and meaningful ways.
What Are Your Thoughts?
Are you in this kind of relationship? Do you have any tips or advice for people in this pairing? Share your thoughts in the comments! You can also discover MUCH more about INFJ relationships and how to maximize them in my eBook, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic.
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
Dating Do’s and Don’ts For Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
What NOT To Do on a Date with Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
What Each Myers-Briggs® Type Needs in a Relationship
10 Things You Should NEVER Say to an INFJ
10 Things You Should NEVER Say to an ISTJ
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I’m an infj married to an istj for the last decade. It’s been tough. But we both have the same beliefs and vision for the future. I think the biggest issue we have had is communication. So I have suggested that instead of him telling me he should write his requests down so they don’t sound like demands lol. Having kids to is tricky because I feel kids must be allowed freedom to be their individual selves and he wants discipline and structure.
This article has really helped me understand where he is coming from so I can accommodate him better and see that his needs are met. I just don’t know how to communicate my needs to him without him zoning out. We are different but we can learn from each other. My weaknesses are his strengths and vice versa. He just doesn’t trust my intuition and to me that’s essentially not trusting me or valuing my opinions. It’s something we can work on now at least.
Thank you for your insight
Happily married to an istj. I think its due to us both understanding and knowing how to respect each other and have shared values. Our differences hasn’t been a problem.
Except maybe political related debates occasionally. lol
Sex life wise I am the one with ideas so I contribute, knowing his mbti type I don’t count on him to provide things he can’t provide but try to find ways to be a part of what he does because he value participation.
Child raising is in the plans, I know I am too soft so I count on him to provide structure and we work things out together on different issues.
Who’s the girl in your profile picture? She’s cute.
Terrible match, just came out of a breakup of a 2 year relationship where we struggled in the end to ‘get’ each other
I’m so sorry to hear that!!
I am an INFJ hubs ISTJ and we have been together 20 years. Can’t picture my life without him. No he doesn’t understand me half of the time. How I have survived is I just understand he can’t see or feel the things I do! He’s a great provider and lover. He’s my best friend, however, yes it has been tough because I feel lonely sometimes and I wish he got me on an intuitive level. He does try especially when I’m angry he tries to talk it through. Also I remind him when I felt something that he didn’t and then it came to pass. I always say I told you so. He will always say yes you did. The. I say well next time listen. We work at our relationship because we love one another we have been together since I was 16 and he was 18.
I’m the infj and she was the istj and when we had similar goals it was good… at first it was the goal of simply surviving in a difficult relationship. We hung on to the idea that our love was “forever love”. When we found another goal we could both seek, planting a church our differences doomed that adventure. She sought tangible followers and I focused on intangible losers. When that failed I dumped on myself and she dumped on me too. Now we are divorced, she hates me and I can’t wrap my mind around what happened, though I spend way to much time trying.
I wonder, cuz that’s what I do, if our personalities had been reversed if it might have gone better. Is a male intj and female infj a better match with current gender roles?
Thanks for sharing Alan, I’m an INFJ as well, my wife is an ISTJ and we too are involved with church ministry. I feel she focuses on it all in such a dry disconnected way, and she thinks I too need to give up on trying to shepherd the guys I have a heart for. I want to experience my love with her through mutual passion, she wants to experience it through mutual goals. Very difficult.
Prayers to you brother.
Thanks for sharing Alan, that sounds really hard. I’m an INFJ in a relationship with an ISTJ wife as well. We too have been getting more involved in ministry at our church. It seems ever since we started this venture, our relationship has been strained. Similarly, I focus on the intangible losers and she generally encourages me to give up on them. We seem to have difficulty ,not just in how we envision ministry, but also our romantic relationship. I want to experience mutual passion for one another, and she yearns for a mutual goal to complete together. We are on completely different wave lengths and have recently began counseling.
Very happily married to an ISTJ, and I can’t imagine being with any other personality type at this point. He not only allows me to live in my fantasy world, but actually encourages it. But he then tries to help me do something with it– like actually finish a novel and get it published versus starting fifty different stories and never dong anything with any of them. I have, in turn, gotten him to try new things and take adventures that he never would have gone on if left to his own devices 🙂 I think my recommendation for the INFJs in this type of relationship would be to NEVER put thoughts in your partner’s head that they are almost definitely not having. Putting thoughts in his head and then treating him based on those hypotheticals is stupid and damaging. Communication is key!
Loved this article! Thanks for writing!
I have an INFJ personality type. My wife’s personality is ISTJ. We’ve been very happily married for over 43 years. From the first day we met, we connected, we communicated and we both respected each other. We are both completely genuine individuals. The thoughts and feelings we share with one another are always genuine. We are who we are and are comfortable in being ourselves… We are comfortable in letting the other be who they are as well.
It was clear from the beginning that we have basic, basic differences in the way we think, feel and act. In many cases, those differences were and are diametrically opposite. However, we both think of our differences as being our strength as a couple, not as a weakness or as a fault. Where I am weak, she is strong. Where she is weak, I am strong. We compliment each other and welcome our differences. Our differences are a part of who we are as a couple.
We truly understand each other at the deepest level possible. We know what makes the other tick. That means knowing how the other thinks and feels. We each know how and when to compromise and when not to. We both practice active listening. Listening, truly listening with an open mind, is just as important as clearly verbalizing our thoughts and feelings. We try to walk in the other’s shoes as much as we can and try to see things from their perspective. Sometimes that’s a very difficult thing to do, but we always try.
From the very beginning, even though we are definitely individuals and have the freedom to be ourselves, we’ve both known that as a couple we are much more than the sum of our individual selves. We are an “US” that cannot be separated. It is impossible to not be together as an “US”. It’s just the way it is. There can truly be no other way. Even in the rare times of disagreement, anger, conflict or hurt, our mutual Love, respect and connection is inviolate.
I dunno… as I read what I just wrote, it all seems rather unlikely. But, it really is the way it is with us… We both do everything we can to understand and to please the other and to make them happy. It’s been that way for going on 44 years now. I guess we must be doing something right, at least, for us it seems we are. t
I’m an INFJ newly married to an ISTJ. A lot of what you shared is true in our dating relationship and we’ve grown leaps and bounds since being married and living in one another’s space. We definitely have a respect for one another’s space, but we also like to be with one another in our “own spaces” ie he’s watching basketball while I unwind with a book or looking through social media, and we’re both cuddled up together. Which sounds super “mushy” but it’s not, ha. Some assessments made about the ISTJ in intimacy and sex haven’t proved true for us, in the sense that my ISTJ is actually creative and fun. We enjoy one another’s humor, knowing we both come from different and quirky angles. I admire how tender and devoted he is. He expresses feeling loved by my thoughtfulness (and even for him to notice that, seems like a big deal to me).
Our biggest stressor like most relationships already mentioned is communication. Often we both know when we aren’t communicating well to one another because tension rises and for both being mellow, easy-going people, we know when things are off. He readily recognizes when I cocoon and withdraw. I have also grown to respect him and be more patient in awaiting his delayed responses. Like actual delayed response… try two minutes later. Sometimes I have to inquire about that silence and will be dissatisfied with “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” because it seems unfulfilling. I have also learned to appreciate his “fix-it” approach, even though at time I just want “to be heard” and not fixed. I love him VERY much and even though its not a “perfect” match -if there is such a thing- I’m thankful God allowed us to be together and I’m thankful for all ISTJs.
I am an INFJ female, and just began a relationship with an ISTJ male. I have read a lot of the comments and I’m astounded at how I resonate already with them. I’ve known my boyfriend for a year, but only recently did we start dating. I’ve known in the past when I’ve brought up “theoretical” ideas and abstract content, he can never track (and he has noticed that he can’t track, either, and that is somewhat reassuring) but I am afraid to delve back into that region of my brain with him involved. I kind of tried a few days ago, and I almost lost my crap trying to make him understand what I was saying. Right now my focus is having fun, connecting and getting to know each other more, but as far as the future, how would you suggest traversing that part of me that’s so important? And how, not fully, but slowly and little by little, show him that bit of me?
Recently just broke up with an ISTJ. A very interesting personality.. honest, authentic and devotional.. but I just couldn’t handle her non sweetness and her little tolerance for everything.. these two things made me question if we could have a future together filled with happiness and satisfaction. The match can work but it’s definitely not an easy one.. I wish her all the best and I hope she does not get misunderstood by her next partner.
As an ISTJ I got along as a child with my INFJ sibling. But now? This INFJ does everything for show and lies about almost everything. My mother, an ESTJ was right about not including her in any decison making about her life. What a ditz & manipulator if I ever saw one! It is so depressing to see my sibling go so off the deep end. This INFJ is not the person I ever thought I knew as a child!