5 Steps to Making Friends with an INTJ
INTJs might have a reputation for being cold, calculating robots who don’t want or need friends, but that’s far from the truth. People with this personality type are conceptual, imaginative individuals who feel things deeply and privately. They are incredibly loyal friends and they deeply want to connect with people on an authentic, intellectual level.
To learn more about the truth behind personality stereotypes, click here to read “The Online Myths About Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type.“
If you’re trying to befriend an INTJ, though, they might not seem “friendly” in the way you usually think of. This is partly because of an INTJ’s unique personality, and partly because INTJs tend to see people as “acquaintances” rather than “friends” until you’ve earned their trust, which can often take quite a while. If you really want to make friends with an INTJ, you can speed up this process by being the kind of friend that INTJs are looking for.
Step One: Invite Them To Things
INTJs want to be included, but they probably won’t ask. They tend to assume that if you’re not asking them to do things with you then you really don’t want to be around them. Instead of assuming that they don’t want to do something with you, give them the option. Asking proves that you want to spend time with them and you might be surprised how often they accept your invitations.
Step Two: Don’t Be Clingy
Though INTJs want to be included, they don’t want to feel like they can’t say no. Make sure your INTJ friend knows that if they can’t come to something you won’t guilt-trip them. Smothering an INTJ with attention is not the way to prove that you’re worthy of being in their close friend circle. You need to give your INTJ friend space or they won’t trust you enough to share their time with you.
Step Three: Be Interesting
You don’t have to have a genius-level IQ to interact with an INTJ. Being “interesting” to an INTJ is more about engaging them with conversations that they’re interested in. INTJs want friends who can and will participate in debates about interesting topics and deep-dive into abstract theories. The exact conversation topic will vary depending on the individual INTJ, but they need friends who can engage them intellectually. They also love it when friends want to strategize with them and solve problems together.
Step Four: Practice Understanding
Most INTJs are not fans of touchy-feely emotional displays. But just because they’re rarely outwardly emotional doesn’t mean they don’t have deep feelings. INTJs need friends who will be okay with the fact that the INTJ can’t always empathize, but who also understand that the INTJ cares deeply about them. Similarly, INTJs need friends who will try to understand the INTJ’s perspective. They want friends who will listen, try to understand them, and keep working on communication.
Step Five: Never Betray Them
INTJs are fiercely loyal once they care about you. If you’ve earned their trust and they consider you a friend, you can bet they’ll want the same kind of loyalty from you that you’re getting from them. Being loyal and trustworthy is vital to befriending an INTJ, and betraying them is the fastest way to end the friendship. They can forgive you if you’re important enough to them, but if they think you’re disloyal in the beginning stages of a friendship they might decide you’re not worth the risk.
In Conclusion …
If you liked this post, you might also like my article “10 Things INTJs Need In A Friendship” (click here to read that) and Susan’s article “7 Reasons Why You Need an INTJ Friend in Your Life” (click here for that). INTJs can be wonderful friends, and if you have one in your life or meet one in the future I hope you’ll give friendship with them a chance.
What do you think? Did I miss anything that’s important to befriending an INTJ? Let’s discuss in the comments!
Marissa Baker is the author of The INFJ Handbook (available in the Amazon Kindle Store). You can find her online at LikeAnAnchor.com where she blogs about personal growth and development from a Christian perspective.
This explains why I am subconsciously befriending a lot of female INTJs, or at least getting on well with them ? (IK like 7-8 female INTJs I’m either friends or acquaintances with. Pretty awesome people. )
I am an INFP, and we are all about understanding others and appreciating authenticity. I WISH I knew a female INTJ. I hope I meet and become friends with one someday.
INTJ woman, here.
Two things I’d add is space and texts.
Lots and lots of space.
Communicate via text.
I notice one of many aversions we share is talking on the phone.
My fellow INTJ and I can text for hours when it would be faster to talk.
Same. Texting always
I’m an INTJ, and I’ve definitely noticed how I consider most people in my life as acquaintances. It takes A LOT for me to consider someone a friend or a close friend…or even let someone in to get close to either of those stages.
I wish I had friends… so lonely af.