INFJs are known for being perfectionists in relationships. They hold themselves to incredibly high standards, and because they’re content enough being alone they don’t feel a strong urge to settle for anything less than their ideal. Sometimes this can be a good thing, and the INFJ avoids getting involved in dead-end or purposeless relationships. Sometimes this can backfire, and the INFJ finds themselves inevitably disappointed in any relationship. If an INFJ is operating at a healthy level, then they enter into relationships with insight, open-mindedness, and a realistic set of expectations.
“INFJs are very independent, and while they are definitely romantic, they have no problem waiting for their chance at romance until they are sure it’s the right thing.”
– The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic
So what are 10 things that INFJs want most in a relationship? Let’s take a look!
10 Things INFJs Look For In a Relationship
#1 – Authenticity
INFJs voted unanimously that authenticity was their #1 priority in a relationship. As dominant introverted intuitives, INFJs are very quick to pick up on hidden motives and agendas, and this will be a major deal-breaker for them in any relationship. One of the most important things to INFJs is open communication, so once trust is broken they have a hard time taking communication seriously afterwards. This means no game-playing, empty compliments, or manipulative dialogue.
#2 – Intellectual Stimulation
INFJs are inquisitive, big-picture thinkers with a desire to explore the deeper topics in life. They want to be able to talk about theories, long-term goals and visions, and ask philosophical or sometimes irreverent questions. They want a partner who can match them on this level and explore meaningful, intellectual topics on a regular basis.
#3 – Open Communication
When INFJs are in a good relationship they can be surprisingly talkative. Throughout life, many INFJs have felt that they had to stifle a great deal of their thoughts because most people don’t share the same way of seeing the world. In a relationship, they hope they can finally be open about their thoughts, feelings, visions, and perceptions. They want a partner who is transparent and real with them; someone who shares their feelings and discusses both their strengths and mistakes. Secretiveness and passive-aggressive behavior tends to backfire in a relationship with an INFJ.
#4 – Shared Desire for Personal Growth
INFJs are on a constant quest for self-improvement. This is one of the reasons they are so drawn to theories like Myers-Briggs, the enneagram, or anything that promotes self-knowledge and growth. They are rarely content to just stay as they are; they are always aiming for a higher level of awareness and potential. Having a partner who is happy remaining stagnant or who is mainly interested in passing the time will inevitably make them bored.
#5 – Empathy
INFJs want a partner who can try to see things from other people’s perspectives. Being around someone who makes judgments without first getting into someone else’s shoes will irritate them. People who are hastily critical rarely get into positive relationships with INFJs.
#6 – Independence
As dominant introverted intuitives, INFJs (and INTJs for that matter) are known for their independence. They like plenty of alone time to consider various perspectives and reflect and analyze. They also like to have the freedom to explore their own interests, goals, and dreams. They need a partner who gives them personal freedom and doesn’t try to micro-manage or control them.
#7 – Shared Values
As idealists, INFJs hold very tightly to their core values and desire a partner who shares the same core values. They can be open-minded about a lot of things and they don’t want a partner who is exactly like them, but they have to have the same idea about what’s right and what’s wrong or else there will be a lot of conflict and frustration.
“They (INFJs) can overlook personal quirks and flaws that might drive other types crazy, and they are very forgiving; however, they will be a daunting foe if their values and beliefs are stepped on or mocked. As always, the INFJ can go from being soft-spoken and gentle to fiery and stubborn if someone ridicules one of their core beliefs or ideals.”
– The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic
#8 – Commitment
Although there are exceptions to this rule, INFJs aren’t usually the types who go for flings, one-night stands, or meaningless sexual romps. They are looking for someone who will stick with them through the good and bad and who will want a deeper and more purposeful relationship. Something shallow rarely holds their interest.
#9 – Attentiveness
INFJs are known for their listening skills. They are extremely empathetic, so much so that they often confuse other people’s feelings for their own. They try to really understand not just the words that someone is saying, but the underlying meaning and emotions that an individual might have behind their words. INFJs hope that, in a relationship, they’ll find someone who will listen to them and really give them their full attention. So if you’re trying to win over an INFJ, make sure that you’re not distracted by your phone or the TV and definitely avoid interrupting.
#10 – Intimacy
This quality falls hand-in-hand with point #1: authenticity. INFJs are looking for not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. They don’t want an “instagram relationship” where their partner only tells them what they want to hear or what looks good on paper. They want vulnerability, honesty, and deep understanding. They want to see both the dark and light side of someone.
What Are Your Thoughts?
Are these qualities something you look for in a relationship? Would you add anything else? Let us know in the comments! You can also discover more about the INFJ personality type in my latest eBook, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic.
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