Boundaries Are Love: How to Protect Your Energy and Build Better Relationships
“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.” – Tony Gaskins
As an MBTI® practitioner and coach I’ve worked with countless people who lead with their hearts, who want to make the world a better place, and who often find themselves drained, resentful, and wondering why they feel so empty despite giving so much.
One of my clients came to me after what she described as a “breakdown.” She’s an ESFJ and, like many ESFJs, tends to prioritize other people for the sake of harmony. She was the person who remembered birthdays, organized family gatherings, and stayed up late helping her friends through their crises. But Sarah was also exhausted. She told me, “I feel like I’m running on fumes, but I can’t stop. If I stop, everything will fall apart.”
My ESFJ friend’s story isn’t unique. I’ve seen it in clients, friends, and even in myself, even though I’m not a Feeling type. Feeling types are often so focused on being helpful that they forget to help themselves. They overgive, overextend, and overcommit, all while ignoring the voice inside that’s begging for rest.
The Cost of Overgiving
When we overgive, we’re depleting our energy and we’re also teaching people that our needs don’t matter. Over time, this inevitably leads to resentment, burnout, and even physical health issues.
One of my clients, a self-identified ENFP named James, described it well: “I thought saying yes to everything made me a good person. But all it did was make me miserable. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that I didn’t even know what I needed anymore. I lost my spark, my creativity, and my imagination went dull.”
James’ experience is common among feeling types. They equate saying “yes” with being kind, and saying “no” with being selfish. But here’s the thing: boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re an act of self-respect.
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
For many feeling types, setting boundaries feels like a betrayal of their core values. They want to be there for others. They want to make people happy. They want to be seen as dependable and kind.
But here’s what I tell my clients: boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or severing the relationship. They’re about letting people in on your terms. Setting a boundary simply means including yourself in the list of people you care about and want goodness for. It can be easy to not see yourself as a person; you’re inside your own head, so you don’t always see your value (this is especially true for FJ types). But here’s the thing I constantly tell people: The people who truly care about you WANT you to take care of yourself. They will respect your boundaries. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, that’s a red flag you should pay attention to.
The Breaking Point
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
― Brené Brown
I recently had a talk with an ISFJ friend. She was the kind of person who would drop everything to help someone in need. But one day, she called me in tears.
“I can’t do it anymore,” she said. “I said no to babysitting my cousin’s kids and I could tell she was so angry. I don’t know how to say no without feeling like a horrible person.”
I listened as she poured her heart out, the guilt and self-doubt filling every word. She told me how her cousin’s reaction had left her feeling like she’d failed, how she’d been selfish, lazy, or uncaring.
“I know I can’t keep saying yes to everything,” she said, “but every time I say no, I feel like I’m letting people down. Like I’m not enough.”
Her words hit me hard because I’ve heard them so many times before from clients, friends, and even in my own head. For feeling types like ISFJs, the need to care for others is so deeply ingrained that setting boundaries can feel like a betrayal of who they are.
But here’s what I told her: “Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you an honest one. And the people who truly care about you will understand that your ‘no’ is a measure of self-respect. They’ll appreciate you taking care of yourself because they genuinely care for you.”
We talked about how her cousin’s anger was a sign that her cousin had grown used to her overgiving. “You’ve trained people to expect you to always say yes,” I said. “But you can retrain them. It’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s also going to feel like some relief too, a bit of freedom.”
My friend started small. Because, I get it, it feels pretty weird to say no to people who want something from you. I don’t expect people who are used to saying yes all the time to suddenly climb this giant mountain of boundaries. It takes small steps and consistency rather than huge leaps. So she started saying no to things that drained her energy and carving out time for herself. And while it wasn’t easy, she began to notice something: the people who truly loved her didn’t leave. They adjusted and respected her boundaries.
And the ones who didn’t? Well, their absence made room for relationships that were healthier, more balanced, and rooted in mutual respect.
Her story is a reminder that sometimes, the hardest part of setting boundaries isn’t dealing with other people’s reactions, it’s learning to believe that you’re worthy of having them in the first place.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
If you’re a feeling type who struggles with overgiving, here are some steps to help you start setting boundaries:
- Identify Your Non-Negotiables
What do you need to feel healthy and whole? For my ESFJ friend, it was her weekly yoga class and Sunday afternoons to herself. For James, it was turning off his phone after 8 p.m. Write down your non-negotiables and commit to protecting them. - Start Small
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Start with one boundary. Maybe it’s saying no to a last-minute favor or not answering work emails on weekends. Practice enforcing it consistently. - Use Simple Language
When someone asks for something that violates your boundary, try saying, “I can’t do that right now.” You don’t owe anyone a long explanation. - Expect Pushback
Not everyone will be thrilled about your boundaries, especially if they’ve benefited from your lack of them. That’s okay. Discomfort is part of the process. - Celebrate Your Wins
Every time you honor a boundary, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: My needs matter. Take a moment to acknowledge that.
The Ripple Effect
Here’s the beautiful thing about boundaries: they can change your life while also inspiring others to do the same. If you’re a mom, for example, setting boundaries lets your kids know it’s okay for them to set boundaries.
My ISFJ friend who was terrified of setting boundaries, told me something amazing a few days ago. “My sister started setting boundaries too,” she said. “She told me, ‘Watching you say no made me realize I could too.’”
When you set boundaries, you’re showing the people around you that it’s okay to prioritize their well-being too. That saying “No” doesn’t make them a bad person.
Seeing People Clearly Through Boundaries
“If you spend your life sparing people’s feelings and feeding their vanity, you get so you can’t distinguish what should be respected in them.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald
- Scott Fitzgerald’s words cut straight to the heart of what happens when we overextend ourselves to protect others’ feelings: we lose clarity.
When you spend your life saying yes to avoid conflict, sparing people’s feelings to keep the peace, or bending over backward to meet their expectations, you start to blur the lines between who people truly are and who they want you to see them as. You become so focused on managing their emotions—on feeding their vanity, soothing their egos, or avoiding their disappointment—that you stop seeing them for who they really are.
Boundaries change that.
When you set boundaries, you stop performing for people and start interacting with them authentically. You’re no longer trying to control their perception of you or shield them from discomfort. Instead, you’re giving them the opportunity to show you who they are: how they respond to your limits, how they handle disappointment, and how they value you as a person rather than as a resource.
One of my clients shared a powerful realization after she started setting boundaries with her friends. “I used to think everyone loved me because I was so helpful,” she said. “But when I started saying no, I realized some people only loved what I could do for them. And others? They loved me for me. That felt so good.”
Boundaries act like a filter. They reveal the people who respect you enough to honor your limits and the ones who only stick around when you’re convenient. They help you distinguish between relationships built on mutual respect and those built on obligation or dependency.
And here’s the beautiful part: when you stop sparing people’s feelings at the expense of your own, you start to appreciate them more clearly. You see their strengths, their flaws, their humanity. You stop idealizing them or resenting them, and instead, you meet them where they are: with honesty and compassion.
Boundaries Are an Act of Love
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially for those of us who lead with our hearts. It can feel uncomfortable, even painful, to say no or to risk disappointing the people we care about. But like I’ve been saying (probably too repetitively): boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about letting the right people in.
When you set boundaries, you’re creating space for healthier, more authentic relationships. You’re giving yourself the freedom to show up fully, without resentment or exhaustion. And you’re giving others the opportunity to respect and value you for who you are, not just for what you can do for them.
So, take a deep breath. Start small. And remember, every time you honor your boundaries, you’re sending yourself a powerful message: I am worthy of rest, respect, and care.
You’ve got this.
HARD CORE INFJ Here….WOW!!!! Light bulb moment. Reading this article, some of the people I hold incredibly close see me as a resource and do not value me for my true authenticity. WOW!!!! I often feel like a resource, didn’t know what to name that feeling until reading this article. I’ve been reflecting on the relationships for some time, this article has unveiled a feeling I didn’t exactly know how to describe or define but now have clarity. The perpetual struggle of the INFJ is ending relationships with people you actually love, but fail to love you back…..THANK YOU!
Thanks for this ! I’m an ESFJ and at 72 developed breast cancer ! Now I am limited in how much I can do for others, and they are now doing more for me , which I never expected. I don’t like not helping in every way I can , but the boundaries you spoke of are now a must . Sometimes , we get a forced rest and time to go more inward . I’m grateful for the lesson . Gratitude for your insights! ☮️🙏🇨🇦