10 Things Enneagram Type 8s Need in a Relationship

When it comes to relationships, Enneagram Eights are often misunderstood. Known for their strength, independence, and sometimes intimidating exterior, what they need on a deeper level within intimate relationships can be quite surprising. If you or your partner identify as an Enneagram Eight, understanding these ten crucial needs can transform your relationship into a nurturing, dynamic partnership where both individuals feel valued and understood.

My dad is an Enneagram 8, and one thing I learned very early on is that outsiders would judge him as being harsh, aggressive, and mean-spirited. Yet inside he was compassionate, driven, and protective. He just didn’t beat around the bush and he had absolutely zero patience for manipulation or phony behavior. He was blunt, in-charge, and a bit of a workaholic. I saw many different sides to him and learned that this type is a lot more complex than most people realize. Today I’m hoping to shine a light on some of the nuances of this type and give you some ways to really appreciate and care for the “Challenger” in a relationship.

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An Intro to the Enneagram 8:

Before we get ahead of ourselves, let’s quickly meet the Eight. These Enneatypes, often categorized as the Challengers, are assertive, strong-willed, and self-confident individuals who seek to defend their independence and protect those in their inner circle. They want to be in control of their own lives and to have an impact on the world around them. The last thing they want is to be considered weak, a pushover, or easily manipulated. Eights possess an innate strength that enables them to take on challenges head-on, often making them natural leaders.

Famous Enneagram Eights include Winston Churchill, Frank Sinatra, Aretha Franklin, and Ernest Hemingway.

Strengths: One of the notable strengths of an Enneagram Eight is their remarkable ability to lead and inspire others. They exude confidence and decisiveness, which can rally people to their cause. Their candidness and willingness to confront injustice head-on make them powerful advocates for change. On top of that, Eights are incredibly resilient, able to withstand adversity without losing their determination to succeed.

Weaknesses: Unfortunately, their strengths can also serve as weaknesses. Their need for control and fear of vulnerability can sometimes manifest as stubbornness and a reluctance to show their softer, more vulnerable side. This can lead to conflicts in relationships, where partners may feel sidelined by the Eight’s dominant nature. Furthermore, their intense exterior can sometimes intimidate others, hindering open and honest communication.

Core Desires: The core desire of an Enneagram Eight is to protect themselves from being controlled or harmed by others. This stems from a deep-seated need to maintain autonomy and control over their destiny, driving their assertiveness and independence.

Core Fears: Conversely, their core fear is of being vulnerable or at the mercy of others. This fear often underpins their actions and reactions, pushing them to build a formidable exterior to shield their more sensitive inner selves. Eights dread showing weakness, equating it with a loss of control and respect, which drives their need to appear strong and unassailable at all times.

1. Practical Support

Eights value practicality and a healthy dose of commitment. While words of encouragement are appreciated, they resonate more with actions that prove love and support. Whether it’s helping out with household chores or being there for them during challenging times, practical support speaks volumes to an Eight.

2. Freedom to Take Action

Eights are natural leaders who thrive when they have the autonomy to make decisions and take action. In relationships, they seek partners who understand this need and do not feel threatened by their assertiveness or independence. They also appreciate people who take action to live according their own values and goals.

3. Unwavering Loyalty

For Eights, loyalty is deeply moving. They tend to be a bit skeptical of people, and have fears of being betrayed or controlled. They need to know that their partner is in their corner, through thick and thin, even if at times they don’t always agree.

4. A Sense of Fun

Despite their tough exterior, Eights have a playful side and enjoy letting loose. Every Eight I know has a secret thrill-seeking side that can show up in a variety of ways; business ventures, sports, travel, even strategy board gaming. Being able to laugh, explore, and experience the intensity of all life has to offer is a huge desire for the Eight Enneatype.

5. Affection

Eights might not always show it, but they crave affection and tenderness. This is especially true with romantic partners. They want someone who can affirm them, show appreciation for their efforts, and give a good tight hug as often as possible.

6. Appreciation for Their Efforts

Eights are often the backbone of their relationships, providing strength and protection. But sometimes all that people notice is there brusque exterior or their bluntness. But if you look beneath the tough outer shell, Eights often sacrifice a lot to protect and take care of other people. Acknowledgment and appreciation that you see them and their sacrifices is crucial.

7. Honesty and Directness

Eights have little patience for mind games or subtleties. They respect direct communication and honesty, even if the truth is hard to hear. This straightforwardness makes them feel trust, connection, and saves them from having to spend energy trying to read between-the-lines or interpret passive-aggressive behavior (something they absolutely can’t stand!).

8. Independence and Autonomy

While Eights look for depth and intimacy, they also need personal space. They hate being micro-managed, controlled, or manipulated. They want their own space to pursue their interests and get a little quiet time each day. They also need freedom to make some independent decisions and speak their mind. That said, let an Eight know if they’ve said or done something that hurt you – they will appreciate the honesty and, if they’re at a healthy level, they’ll quickly learn from their mistakes.

9. Empathy

Underneath their strong exterior, Eights have a vulnerable side that they rarely show. They need a partner who can gently encourage them to open up and share their deeper feelings, offering empathy and understanding rather than judgment.

10. Courage

Eights respect strength—both physical and emotional. They don’t need a partner who is just like them, but they do appreciate someone who has the courage to stand up for what they believe in, stay active, and be honest rather than a pushover. They admire partners who stand their ground and speak their mind, even if those people’s opinions are wildly different from their own.

What Do You Think?

Are you an Eight with insights to share about maintaining balance and authenticity in your relationships? Or perhaps you have close connections with an Eight and have learned valuable lessons on navigating the complexities of your bond. Whether it’s strategies for effective communication, stories of personal growth, or tips for nurturing the unique needs of an Eight, we invite you to share your thoughts and experiences. Your contributions can enlighten others on the path to deeper, more fulfilling relationships with this dynamic and powerful personality type.

References:

The Enneagram, Relationships and Intimacy by David Daniels, M.D. and Suzanne Dion (2018, David Daniels, M.D.)