How NOT to Flirt with Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type

Do you ever feel like your flirting methods are falling flat with the person you’re interested in? What will entice one person might annoy another, so learning what NOT to do with each personality type can be a huge help. In this article, we’ll explore the flirting behaviors to avoid so your dating life can be more fun and less embarrassing!

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You can also take the official Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® here.

Estimated reading time: 15 minutes

The ENFP

ENFPs may love romance, emotional intensity, and imagining what could happen between two people. What they usually dislike is having the entire relationship mapped out before they have decided whether they want a second date.

Coming on too strong can make an ENFP feel as though your interest is less about discovering who they are and more about recruiting them for a role. They want possibility, but they also want freedom. There is a difference between saying, “I’d love to see you again,” and casually mentioning the names of your future children.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Texting again because they haven’t answered the text you sent eleven minutes ago.
• Asking where the relationship is going before a relationship technically exists.
• Talking about how perfectly they fit the future you have already planned.
• Becoming sulky when they spend time with friends or pursue interests without you.
• Treating enthusiasm as a binding contract. ENFPs can be excited and still need time to understand what they feel.

What tends to work better:

• Tell them you like them, then give them enough room to choose you freely.
• Show genuine curiosity about their ideas, stories, and unusual interests.
• Suggest something playful or slightly unexpected.
• Be emotionally open without making them responsible for your emotional security.
• Let interest grow through shared experiences rather than constant relationship analysis.

The ENTP

Complaining about being single is not the same thing as flirting, although plenty of people use it that way. If you keep describing how lonely you are while staring meaningfully at an ENTP, they may understand the hint. They may also decide they do not want the job you appear to be advertising.

ENTPs are drawn to mental energy, independence, humor, and someone who can meet them as an equal. Desperation creates pressure before curiosity has had a chance to develop.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Saying, “Nobody ever wants me,” and waiting for them to correct you.
• Agreeing with every opinion they express.
• Acting helpless so they will step in and rescue you.
• Becoming offended when a playful debate does not end with them admitting you were right.
• Using jealousy, guilt, or vague social-media posts to make them pursue you.

What tends to work better:

• Show that you want a relationship because you enjoy them, not because you need someone to fill an empty position.
• Ask a question they have not heard fifty times before.
• Play with ideas, challenge them, and let yourself be challenged.
• Make your interest clear enough that they do not have to decode a twelve-part riddle.
• Have opinions of your own, including opinions they disagree with.

The INFP

A flashy résumé may be impressive, but it’s not the shortcut to an INFP’s heart. If your flirting consists of mentioning your salary, your car, the influential people you know, and the price of everything you own, they may start wondering whether there is a person underneath the sales presentation.

INFPs tend to look for sincerity, depth, and evidence that your choices mean something to you. You do not need to read Kierkegaard or volunteer at an animal shelter to qualify (although it might help). Mostly it’s important to care about something that cannot be summarized by its resale value.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Bragging about money, status, followers, or professional importance.
• Pretending to love poetry, animals, indie films, or social causes because they do.
• Mocking their ideals as childish or unrealistic.
• Offering generic compliments that could have been copied and pasted to six other people.
• Pushing them to disclose personal feelings before trust has developed.

What tends to work better:

• Let sincerity carry the conversation.
• Ask what matters to them and listen without rushing to evaluate it.
• Share something real about yourself, even if it is slightly awkward.
• Notice their imagination, convictions, or way of seeing the world.
• Remember the small things they tell you.

The INTP

Playing hard to get can work a little too well with an INTP. If you take three days to answer, avoid eye contact, and act bored whenever they approach, they may reach the reasonable conclusion that you want to be left alone.

INTPs are not always eager to make romantic assumptions. Even when they notice a possible signal, they may generate six innocent explanations for it and decide not to risk embarrassing either of you. Mystery is fine, but some clarity and directness is essential with these types.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Expecting them to interpret basic politeness as romantic interest.
• Responding coldly so they will “try harder.”
• Hinting through cryptic posts or messages instead of speaking to them.
• Creating drama to see whether they care.
• Demanding an immediate emotional response when they are still figuring out what they think.

What tends to work better:

• If necessary, say, “I’m flirting with you, by the way.” They may be relieved.
• Give them an unmistakable sign that you enjoy their company.
• Ask about something they are genuinely interested in.
• Flirt with humor, curiosity, or an odd hypothetical question.
• Allow pauses without assuming the conversation has failed.

The ENFJ

Teasing can be affectionate, but only when both people experience it that way. If your entire flirting strategy consists of criticizing an ENFJ’s clothes, embarrassing them in front of friends, or making them feel insecure enough to seek your approval, you are not creating chemistry. You are making yourself unpleasant to be around.

ENFJs often pay close attention to the emotional intention behind someone’s behavior. They tend to appreciate warmth and reciprocity, and they may be especially wary of someone who disguises meanness as humor.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Insulting them and then saying, “I’m only teasing.”
• Giving affection one day and withdrawing it the next to keep them guessing.
• Flirting warmly in private but acting dismissive around other people.
• Making jokes about their vulnerabilities.
• Treating their kindness as proof that they will tolerate anything.

What tends to work better:

• Let your interest feel consistent. They should not need to decode a mystery to determine whether you like them.
• Offer compliments that are personal and specific.
• Show that you notice how they affect the people around them.
• Ask meaningful questions and answer some yourself.
• Be warm without performing exaggerated intimacy.

The ENTJ

Trying to make an ENTJ jealous is risky because they may take your behavior at face value. If you spend the evening flirting with someone else while checking to see whether the ENTJ is watching, they may assume you have made your choice and direct their attention elsewhere.

ENTJs want clarity, confidence, and people who take responsibility for what they want. Manufactured competition can seem less alluring than inefficient.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Flirting with their friend to provoke a reaction.
• Pretending to be unavailable while expecting them to keep pursuing.
• Acting intimidated by their competence and then trying to undermine it.
• Expecting them to infer feelings that you aren’t being direct about.

What tends to work better:

• Suggest an actual date instead of engineering a month-long power struggle.
• Tell them directly that you enjoy talking with them.
• Have goals, interests, and standards of your own.
• Respect their time and follow through on plans.
• Challenge them without treating every disagreement like a duel.

The INFJ

Staring mysteriously from across the room may feel intense and cinematic to you. The INFJ may assume they have food in their teeth, recognize you from somewhere embarrassing, or are about to be recruited into a cult.

INFJs often notice sustained attention, but they do not automatically interpret it as friendly. Because they tend to look for underlying intentions, unexplained intensity can become unsettling rather than romantic.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Watching them for long stretches without introducing yourself.
• Keeping flirting surface level and never getting anywhere meaningful.
• Mirroring all their interests in an attempt to seem destined for them.
• Rushing intimacy because the conversation felt unusually deep.

What tends to work better:

• Allow depth to develop at a pace that feels mutual.
• Approach them gently and give the attention some context.
• Ask a thoughtful question without turning the conversation into an interrogation.
• Share your own inner world instead of expecting them to provide all the vulnerability.
• Notice their ideas, humor, or observations, not only their mysterious aura.

The INTJ

Some people try to flirt by seeming coy, babyish, or helpless. But trying to activate an INTJ’s rescue instinct by appearing this way is unlikely to have the effect you want. Emotional openness is not the problem. The problem is using distress as bait and expecting another person to prove their devotion by fixing your life.

INTJs often appreciate honesty, including honest vulnerability. What tends to put them on edge is emotional manipulation, avoidable chaos, or being assigned responsibility for someone they barely know.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Creating a crisis whenever their attention drifts elsewhere.
• Saying, “I guess nobody cares about me,” instead of asking for what you need.
• Pretending not to understand something so they can feel superior.
• Overwhelming them with declarations before trust exists.
• Treating their reserve as a challenge you must break through.

What tends to work better:

• Be emotionally sincere, but take ownership of your emotions.
• Be direct about your interest.
• Ask what they are working on, learning, or trying to improve.
• Share an intelligent observation without turning the date into an entrance exam.
• Respect their independence and demonstrate your own.

The ESFP

Don’t talk about the bygone days when people took relationships more seriously. Definitely don’t go onto long tirades about how traditional roles have deteriorated, and women or men need to back to the way things used to be. ESFPs despise cookie-cutter roles and boxes that other people might try to squeeze them into. Statements like these can be the kiss of death in your friendship or relationship.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Complaining that modern men or women no longer know their place.
• Describing the role you expect them to perform before learning who they are.
• Criticizing their spontaneity as shallow or irresponsible.
• Spending the date lecturing instead of participating.
• Acting embarrassed by their expressiveness or enthusiasm.

What tends to work better:

• Invite them somewhere enjoyable where conversation can happen naturally.
• Respond to their humor and energy without trying to contain it.
• Give a specific, sincere compliment.
• Be present instead of checking your phone or discussing your ex.
• Let them show you who they are before deciding what kind of partner they would be.

The ESTP

If your flirting style is more subtle and polite, you’ll run the risk of an ESTP thinking you’re just looking for friendship, and you treat everyone that way. Don’t expect them to get the hint by asking simple questions like, “How was your day?” or holding the door open. Show more interest and be bolder!

What usually doesn’t work:

• Expecting them to decipher a slightly longer-than-average glance.
• Agreeing to every plan while showing no visible enthusiasm.
• Hinting through friends instead of talking to them.
• Waiting indefinitely for them to make every move.
• Trying to box them in, constrain them, or smother them with texts
• Turning flirting into an abstract conversation about what relationships mean.

What tends to work better:

• Make eye contact, smile, and engage them directly.
• Suggest doing something together rather than endlessly discussing it.
• Use playful humor if it comes naturally.
• Give them a compliment that clearly carries some interest.
• Say, “I’d like to go out with you,” before both of you qualify for retirement benefits.

The ISFP

If you’re trying to win over an ISFP by pretending to be more fascinated by their interests than you actually are, watch out! These types are quick to spot phony behavior – and they hate it. They don’t want to be with anyone who is trying to play a part to win their heart. They want the real deal – if you’re a decent person, that is.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Claiming their favorite musician is also your favorite when you cannot name a song.
• Adopting their style, opinions, or causes to seem compatible.
• Pressuring them to explain feelings they are not ready to verbalize.
• Treating sensitivity as weakness.
• Complimenting their appearance while ignoring everything else about them.

What tends to work better:

• Say, “I don’t know much about that, but I’d like to hear why you love it.”
• Notice their taste, values, craftsmanship, or attention to detail.
• Invite them into an experience that feels personal rather than generic.
• Give them room to respond in their own way.
• Let yourself be a real, imperfect person. They would rather meet you than your marketing department.

The ISTP

Don’t seem overly imposing or eager if you’re trying to win over this type. If you like them, come right out and say it – but don’t stare, follow them around, or laugh at jokes that you don’t think are funny. Definitely don’t overwhelm them with texts or phone calls. Be clear about your feelings, be understanding if they feel differently or the same, and show confidence by just being yourself!

What usually doesn’t work:

• Sending “Are you mad at me?” because they have not replied for an hour.
• Appearing everywhere they go and pretending it is a coincidence.
• Forcing them to discuss the relationship every time you spend time together.
• Laughing at things you do not find funny.
• Treating their need for space as a personal rejection.

What tends to work better:

• State your interest plainly, then let them respond.
• Invite them to do something concrete and enjoyable.
• Use humor without putting on a performance.
• Give them physical and emotional breathing room.
• Accept their answer with dignity, whether it is yes, no, or “I need to think about it.”

The ESFJ

If your idea of flirting is touching and making a lot of sexual comments, you might want to slow it down. While these types enjoy romance as much as the next person, they tend to move slowly, waiting until there is some security and trust in the relationship before getting physical. Being too forward right away will give them the impression that you’re a player – and they are typically not into that.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Making sexual comments moments after meeting.
• Touching them repeatedly without checking whether the attention is welcome.
• Sending explicit pictures they did not request.
• Being charming in person but unreliable afterward.
• Treating courtesy as consent or romantic interest.

What tends to work better:

• Ask about the people, places, and experiences that matter to them.
• Be warm, responsive, and attentive.
• Follow through when you say you will call or make plans.
• Compliment something beyond their appearance.
• Let physical flirtation develop through mutual signals, not assumption.

The ESTJ

If sexting and sending revealing photos is your way of flirting, then you might want to put on the brakes. While ESTJs like people who get to the point, they also tend to avoid people who lack a sense of propriety. Show that you have some sensible caution before you start dating, and they’ll respect you more. Be polite, down-to-earth, and sincere about your feelings (but save the more provocative ones till later).

What usually doesn’t work:

• Sending sexual messages before establishing that they are welcome.
• Being chronically late while insisting that you are “just spontaneous.”
• Cancelling plans whenever something more exciting appears.
• Manufacturing chaos so they can prove they care.
• Acting impressed by competence while ignoring character.

What tends to work better:

• Be clear, polite, and sincere about your interest.
• Make a real plan with a time and place.
• Show up when you say you will.
• Let your confidence include common sense.
• Save more provocative flirting until you know it is mutual.

The ISFJ

Some people use teasing to create chemistry. With an ISFJ, the joke may land more heavily than you intended, especially if the relationship is new and they do not yet know that your affection comes wrapped in sarcasm.

This does not mean ISFJs have no sense of humor. Many are hilarious. They may just need evidence of goodwill before they can tell whether “You’re such a disaster” means “I adore you” or “I have been cataloguing your defects.”

What usually doesn’t work:

• Teasing them about an insecurity in front of other people.
• Making affection so sarcastic that no affection remains.
• Acting warm in private and indifferent in public.
• Pressuring them into attention-grabbing gestures.
• Assuming their consideration means they are comfortable.

What tends to work better:

• Be clear enough that they do not spend three weeks wondering whether you were making fun of them.
• Use gentle humor that includes rather than targets them.
• Remember details they have shared and follow up later.
• Show appreciation for what they do, especially what others overlook.
• Create a comfortable setting where conversation does not feel like a performance.

The ISTJ

If your method of flirting involves giving someone cutesy nicknames and appearing over-eager, (for example, replying “HAHAHA LMAO!!! Ur so funny!!!” in response to a minor joke) then best to pursue someone else. ISTJs will just want to avoid you. Also, don’t misspell words.

What usually doesn’t work:

• Giving them an intimate nickname immediately after meeting.
• Flooding them with messages because they answered one.
• Exaggerating every compliment until it becomes meaningless.
• Showing up late, forgetting plans, or changing arrangements repeatedly.
• Deliberately misspelling every other word because you think it looks adorable.

What tends to work better:

• Give straightforward compliments that you genuinely mean.
• Show interest through consistency, attention, and follow-through.
• Ask about their knowledge or experience without treating them like a reference manual.
• Use humor naturally instead of performing excitement.
• Let attraction build through dependable contact. For many ISTJs, credibility is part of chemistry.

What Are Your Thoughts?

What is the worst flirting experience you’ve encountered? What tips would you give to people wanting to flirt with you? Let us know in the comments!

Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type,  The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!

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The Ideal Dating Experience of Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type

What Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type Needs in a Relationship

The Pet Peeves of Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type