10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFP
INFPs are known for being patient, passionate, and caring individuals. If you open many typology books you’ll read about how they are accepting, open-minded and sincere. Even so, there are certain phrases that really get on their nerves. They may not over-react or call someone out when careless words are spoken, but they will gradually put up guards against people who are condescending, cruel, or belittling. According to neuroscience, INFPs show high activity in brain regions that process verbal expression and language to find specific words fitting a situation. They don’t just spew out the first thoughts that come to their mind; they are careful and conscientious. Because they are so careful with how they speak, it can be frustrating for them to live in a world where few other people consider their words as carefully. So without further ado, here are some phrases you should never say to an INFP.
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10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFP
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“You’re Being Too Emotional”
INFPs lead with a process called Introverted Feeling (Fi). Fi is deeply emotional, but it’s also deeply private (hence it’s introverted direction). INFPs are strongly affected by troubles in the world, by cruelty, bullying, or harsh words. They may seem more emotionally impacted than other types; however, because they prefer to keep their emotions more private they also feel frustrated when their reactions show. Saying they’re feeling something “too strongly” is a sure way to frustrate them and build walls in your communication. If they’re being emotional because they are stirred by something and they are trying to make a point, trying to downplay their values or their passion will only wreak havoc on your relationship with them. If they are speaking up about something that moves them emotionally it’s time to listen; condescension will get you nowhere.
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“You’re Too Naive”
Healthy, balanced INFPs have a moral integrity that is hard to corrupt or change. They believe in being true to their values and standing up for their beliefs and ideals. They have no desire to gossip or make jokes at other people’s expense and they are deeply affected by cruelty and corruption in the world. Certain people misinterpret their idealism as weakness or naivety, when it is anything but. INFPs are often more than aware of the harsh realities of the world. But they choose to hope for something better for themselves and for the future. Trying to change them or to “educate” them on the ways of the world will just seem condescending.
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“Don’t Take This Personally”
Prefacing an insult or critique by saying “don’t take this personally” will only make INFPs feel belittled and irritated. INFPs are more than happy to get constructive criticism, but it needs to be done in a way that isn’t patronizing. Zen habits has an amazing article on how to give constructive criticism kindly.
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“Life’s Not Fair”
They already know this. Pointing this out really doesn’t help. To be honest, does anyone actually like hearing this?
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“Stop Trying to Find a Deeper Meaning”
INFPs are programmed to find deeper meanings. They look for symbolism, patterns, and connections between ideas that build to a holistic understanding of the universe. They truly enjoy finding deeper significance behind real-life scenarios, music, movies, and storylines. Taking the depth, the mystery, and the gravity away from things is unnatural to them.
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“Get Your Head Out of the Clouds”
INFPs are known for their vivid imaginations and their longing to explore new theoretical ideas and avenues of thought. They have a childlike wonder about the world and about possibilities in it. Some people feel it’s their duty to “bring them down to earth” and force them to confront the concrete realities of daily life. This kind of patronizing tone completely ignores the imaginative and creative gifts that INFPs bring to life.
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“You Wouldn’t Understand”
INFPs yearn to understand and to “get in the shoes” of other people. Don’t dismiss their concerns or input without giving them a chance to at least try to understand. They are exceptional listeners.
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“Because I Said So”
Adhering to a rule or demand just because an authority figure “says so” isn’t natural for an INFP. They need reasons, especially if their conscience conflicts with the directions given. Because INFPs have a strongly value-focused function (introverted feeling) and because they think outside the box (via extraverted intuition) they’re likely to question and confront ideas that seem rigid, don’t feel right, or don’t align with what they believe in.
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“You’re Just Like This Other Person…”
INFPs are very individualistic people. They believe that everyone has a unique personality and that people shouldn’t be compared or held up to a pre-ordained set of standards. They try not to compare people and they dislike it when people compare them.
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“Lighten Up!”
INFPs are extremely passionate, idealistic individuals and they believe in making a difference in the world around them. They often have a cause or belief they fight for and they are intensely focused on this cause. They have a hard time enjoying superficial pleasures or ignoring the pains of others. “Lightening up” can feel empty to them. They want to just be allowed to be who they are; whether that’s serious, playful, imaginative, solemn, sad, or exuberant!
The INFP and Stress
What Do You Think?
Do these phrases bother you? Do you have any other ideas of what not to say? Let me know in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
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This is spot on- it’s like someone finally understood what I’ve been trying so long to say- emotions run deep and some people aren’t careful not to hurt others.
It kind of bothers me if people tell me that I’m taking things they say too seriously. Its really hard to tell when someone is joking or not unless they give obvious hints in their vocal tonality. I don’t want to be the person that laughs at everything and ends up laughing at the wrong things, you know?
I always had very weak functionality at school, college and graduate school while I was always known as a smart student. The reason was that I only spent time for thinking about the material which was exciting to me. Unfortunately, illness took me out of reality completely. Now in my family I’m just a sick member, not respected as before, the one whose life should be programmed by others and whose imaginations are delusions and out of reach. I really get hurt when I hear these things from them.
Not so much what people say, but I work for several dominant Ne types, and what drives me crazy is, “let’s work on this some more” when I present a finished project they ask for. While on the one hand I really value how open, accepting, and visionary they are, it makes my stomach jump to know that whatever they ask me to do will eventually be completely dismantled and thrown out in favor of something else they decide on the spot will be better. It doesn’t hurt my feelings; rather, it gives me anxiety that my work never seems done! Plus, I sometimes wonder where I stand with them — on the one hand, they must value my contribution, since they ask a lot of me, but on the other hand, I can never be sure if I am on the same page as them. Moreover, I take my work seriously and am a perfectionist so it’s not like I don’t invest a lot of time and energy in what I do for them. I just want to get our work done! I am not like this at home, where I don’t care if anything gets done. Seems so odd that auxiliary Ne would run so counter to dominant Ne. I just lose patience when they drop things like a hot potato and pivot elsewhere. Sometimes I just want to say, hey, let’s try my way and just have faith I might be right for once. (Of course, I never say that, but if they throw out a guess that aligns with what I think will work, I pounce on that and try to do it before they can change their minds.) Any thoughts? Thanks.
“It is what it is” … can not stand to hear someone say that.
Wow! Amazing!Thank you so much! You revealed the truth smoothly! It’s eye-opening!
how does that make you feel…..god i hate that phrase….thereipists say that alot…so i just go….”so? how do you think that makes me feel?! use your dam common sence thats what i go to you for…i pay you,you idiot…” trust me…they HATE that but yet avoid asking that question….
I can’t stand when I open up to someone and they tell me that that’s how everybody feels and that I need to follow the crowd. I’m not them and I’m not talking about them. I’m stating how I feel.
1. “Look, we’re both adults…” or “You’re an adult, just spit it out”….????:
That small-minded phrase, said during a disagreement or misunderstanding, is so condescending, so demeaning and it just makes me feel so DONE with trying to communicate.
2. Answering a question with another question: Its not a phrase, but this stresses me out to an embarrassing extreme, especially when I’m trying to gain insight into and explore with somebody I trust enough to share my time with and make the effort of getting to know. It makes me feel stifled and on edge and yes DONE ????????.
This article was on point, thank you for that validation cuz I thought I was going nuts! ❤❤❤