The Voice Inside Your Head When You Try to Relax, Based On Your Enneagram Type
You sit down. You put your feet up. You experience roughly four seconds of peace before a voice in your head asks what the hell you think you’re doing.
Here’s what that voice might sound like for each Enneagram type, and what you can say back to it.
Find out your Enneagram type here.
Enneagram 1
Oh, we’re sitting?
Interesting. The butter knife you used this morning is still on the counter.
I know it’s one knife. I also know you walked past it three times.
And you said you’d be more patient with the kids today. Do you remember how you said “okay” at 4:16?
We can play it back.
Actually, let’s go all the way back to breakfast. I’ve got notes.
What to do with that voice. If there’s a real repair to make, make it when you can. A sharp tone might call for a simple apology. The butter knife can wait. Try giving yourself ten minutes on the couch while something small is still out of place. When your mind asks for a verdict on how you did today, try, “I can care about doing better and be done for the day.”
Enneagram 2
Oh good, you’re finally taking some time for yourself.
Quick thing. When Emily said “I’m fine,” did you hear the pause before “fine”?
Maybe send her something. A text. Soup. A kidney if you’re a match.
And your sister has a dentist appointment Thursday. Did she ask you to remember that? No. Will you be devastated if you forget? Obviously.
Imagine if everyone found out how much you wanted one evening where nobody needed you.
Anyway, I told your sister we can drive her.
What to do with that voice. Before you offer help, ask yourself, “Did they ask? Do I have the energy? Would I still want to do this if they never thanked me?” Then ask what you were hoping someone might offer you. Maybe it’s company, a night off from dinner, or somebody checking in on you first. Try asking for one of those things directly. Let the people who love you get to know what caring for you feels like.
Enneagram 3
Okay. Rest. Great idea.
What are we hoping to accomplish with it?
Should we be getting our steps in while we watch this? We could at least stretch. How long have we been sitting here without improving our hip mobility?
Also, remember that person you graduated with who had no discernible ambition? She’s opening a second location.
And you’re watching a woman on YouTube clean out her refrigerator.
You could at least learn something about refrigerator organization.
What to do with that voice. Pick something you’d enjoy even if nobody ever heard about it. Watch the show. Make the ugly cake. Go for a walk without tracking the miles. When you catch yourself trying to turn it into something impressive, ask, “Am I having a good time?” Give the answer a chance to matter. You’re allowed to have hours that would sound uneventful if someone asked how your day went.
Enneagram 4
You’re going to spend your one wild and precious life watching House Hunters?
Okay.
Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if you’d moved to Chicago at twenty-three?
I think you’d have a whole different laugh by now.
Look at the light coming through the window. You could’ve made something beautiful today.
Oh, great. The light’s gone.
They picked the beige house, by the way.
What to do with that voice. Sometimes there’s a real longing underneath the commentary. You might miss making things, taking risks, or feeling known by someone. Give that longing one small place to go. Write a page tomorrow morning. Text the person you miss. For tonight, see if you can enjoy one thing in the life you actually came home to. The tea is still hot. The dog wants your spot on the couch. There’s room for a good evening and a life you’re still figuring out.
Enneagram 5
Before you get comfortable, how much more are people going to need from you today?
Check the calendar.
Oh. Dinner with people tomorrow. Well, there goes most of tomorrow and some of Wednesday.
And your neighbor texted, “Quick question.” You’ve seen what this man considers quick.
Maybe read up on how to set boundaries before you answer him.
Ah. The book is 312 pages. We can probably finish it tonight if we skip dinner.
What to do with that voice. Give your alone time a clear beginning and end. “I’m taking the next hour to myself. I’ll check messages after dinner.” If you know what someone’s asking and it’s more than you can give, answer with the amount you can offer. “I can talk for ten minutes tomorrow.” A specific limit can make it easier to be generous and easier to actually rest once you close the door.
Enneagram 6
Sure, you can relax. Did you lock the back door?
Great. Do you remember locking it today, or do you remember what locking it generally looks like?
Also, your boss wrote “Sounds good.” With a period. We can circle back to that.
And the fridge stopped humming.
Okay, it started again. I’m actually more concerned now.
Should we look up what a normal refrigerator sounds like?
What to do with that voice. Do the reasonable check once. If there’s a concrete problem, decide on the next step. When the same worry comes back in slightly different clothes, try, “I’ve checked what I can check. If I get new information, I can respond then.” You might still feel uneasy for a while. Put your feet up anyway and give yourself a few minutes to see what happens when you leave the question there.
Enneagram 7
Okay, we’ve been relaxing for eleven seconds. I’m starting to worry this is our whole life.
What if we went somewhere this weekend?
What if we went somewhere tonight?
Hold on, flights to Lisbon are weirdly cheap in February.
Yes, I remember why we sat down. We were sad about something. We can be sad in Lisbon.
Oh my God. This Airbnb has a pizza oven.
What to do with that voice. Before you open another tab, give yourself two minutes to feel whatever showed up when things got still. It could be boredom, disappointment, sadness, or the itch to have something to look forward to. See if you can name it in one honest sentence. Then choose what you actually want to do with your evening. You may still want to look at flights. You can also eat a pizza in your own kitchen and feel a little sad while you do it.
Enneagram 8
You’re going to take a nap?
In a house where someone put an empty milk carton back in the refrigerator?
You know what happens when you close your eyes. Someone makes a decision.
Remember when you said, “Whatever you think is best,” and they did whatever they thought was best?
Still recovering from that.
And now you’re going to lie there, unconscious, while these people have access to power tools.
What to do with that voice. Hand over one thing you can afford to have done differently. Be clear about what matters, then go lie down. If it feels more vulnerable to say “I’m worn out and I need you to handle dinner” than to get up and cook it yourself, start with someone who’s shown they’ll follow through. You get to be the person who needs looking after sometimes, even if your first instinct is to get up and show everyone where the spatula is.
Enneagram 9
Before you relax, is everybody else okay?
Because someone closed a cabinet with a certain amount of conviction.
Maybe go out there and be pleasant until you find out why.
Oh, you wanted to watch something? Whatever they pick is fine. You’re very easy to live with.
Actually, you’ve been scrolling on your phone in the bathroom for forty minutes because it’s the only room where nobody can ask you to pick a restaurant.
Do you even know where you want to eat?
You do?
Well, let’s keep that to ourselves.
What to do with that voice. Catch one preference before “whatever you want” comes out of your mouth. “I want Thai food.” “I’d like the living room to myself for half an hour.” Say it while it’s still small. Someone may have a different preference, and you can hear it without immediately dropping yours. And if that cabinet closes hard again, you can stay where you are. Whoever closed it can come find you if they need something.
